Tuesday, September 28, 2010

This is goodbye.

This shall be my last entry. Those of you who know me well enough will know how to find me, and those of you who do not...well, maybe you'll figure out a way to find me.

It's been a fun year. But when the ends doesn't justify the means, and you have no time, energy or patience anymore, it's time to say goodbye and move on.

So that's what I'm doing here.

Thank you to those of you who have encouraged and supported me. I wish all of you the best of luck in whatever you do.

xoxox
Sydney

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

a letter...

I'm going to write you a letter because I don't want to send you 12billion text messages. And because I wouldn't actually send even just one text message. But, I lied. I'm going to tell a short story first. And by short story, I mean it probably won't be that short.

Once upon a time, there was a girl who became friends with a boy. He didn't exactly live close to the girl, but talking almost daily, the girl began to consider him a close friend despite the occasional disagreements between the two of them. The girl always made sure to answer his texts and trusted in him frequently. The girl made the mistake that so many girls have made before her and so many will make after her. She assumed the boy knew her. She assumed that he knew her better than "that". Girl was wrong. Girl said she didn't like something about an outfit boy sent her one day and boy got upset. Girl at first was like "whatever." But then, girl got to thinking of it. Girl was offended that he assumed she was as superficial as to care what boy was wearing.

(I'll switch to letter format now... enough of this girl and boy crapola)

How can you think I'm that superficial as to give a fuck what you wear?? I don't care what you wear. I don't care what any of the men or women in my life wear. I want people to be happy with who they are. And if dressing a certain way makes someone happy, who the hell am I to judge that?? Lovers, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends can wear whatever they want. I can't believe that you're going to not talk to me for over 2 weeks now because I didn't like your shorts. Really? While I'm flattered that apparently my opinion counts for something, I can't believe you'd really think that I would have a problem with your shorts. I don't like khakis. Who cares? The ex-security guard has worn khakis for YEARS and I still adore him. I just don't like them. Kind of like I don't like certain shapes of sunglasses, or bubble skirts, or vests. Do my friends wear those things? yes, they do. And they're still some of my best friends. Still my lovers. Still people who I care about.

I think what I hate most is that I actually miss talking to you but I feel so shamed that anyone could think that about me that I won't text you. I won't call you. I'll write because that's what I do. I'll get my frustrations out without saying a word directly to you. It hurt to think that I could possibly be so superficial, because if someone knows me so well, they can't be that wrong, can they? What did I do to be viewed as such? At one point, I cared what people wore, I cared what I wore, and you know what? I was miserable. I hated myself. I hated the people around me. I'm not that girl anymore. I haven't been her for years. You didn't know me then. Apparently you don't know me now. I'd rather surround myself with free spirits and people who think they're beautiful no matter what they wear, because that's where I am in my life. I don't care what you or anyone else thinks of my style (or often times, lack there of), because I don't care what your style is. Yea, there are things I don't like. But that just means I don't buy them or wear them. It's petty.

It's like all those months were for nothing. You want to know what a relationship (whether romantically or platonically) feels like? How about how one ends? That's the most memorable part. Someone always ends up hurt.

Not all that glitters is gold.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

grumble grumble

Apparently people don't understand the line between friend and boyfriend. Let me define. Friend=someone whom I do not have romantic/sexual feelings towards, or if I do, we aren't on "that page" in our friendship. Boyfriend=ball & chain.

You sir, are not my boyfriend. Therefore sir, you do not have the right to act as if you are my protector when I'm in the club dancing with cute boys. You may not put your arms around my waist and kiss me. You may not act like you own me (even if you WERE my boyfriend, still unacceptable). You may not get upset when I leave the club with another guy. You are a friend. You aren't even a lover! You never have been and the way you're acting, you never will be. This is not high school. I'm working on year 5 since high school ended, so let's remember how far in the past that was and act accordingly, ok? thanks.

your friend,
Sydney

Sunday, September 5, 2010

sex sex sex

I get paid to talk about sex. When I say I don't want to talk about sex, it'd be super awesome and cool if you'd respect that. Don't get me wrong, I love sex. But dude. I'm tired of talking about it!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

"I love you" "stop lying to me" "what are you talking about"

I have absolutely no problem with being a booty call with the travel agent. No problem. Except when he feels the need to say "I love you" over and over again. Last night really takes the cake though. I was out at a couple parties that were next door to one another drinking and partying and enjoying boobs and boys, and having Jersey Shore want to be boys trying to pick me up (very unsuccessfully). I got home, had a very heart to heart conversation with the roommie, and laid down to sleep. At some point in the night, I had texted some folks "I'll give you a $1 and a BJ if you come pick me up so I don't have to drive while drunk..." anyway. The travel agent got that...several hours later. So he called me. And we had a weird 45 minute phone conversation. I wouldn't put him at the most intelligent person I know but he's definitely not the most unintelligent guy I've been with either. But, last night's phone conversation was weird. Really fucking weird. Anyway, it ended with me pulling into his driveway. The sex was... great the first time. Except he kept saying "I love you" and I kept saying to shut up and stop lying. The second time he called me his ex girlfriend of 7 years name.

The weird part is... I texted him today asked what the hell was up about him saying he loves me and calling me his ex's name and he didn't remember ANY of it. His exact words were "well, that at least starts to explain why I woke up naked..." I though I was drunk last night but holy hell. I at least remember everything. oh, I have to change his nickname. He's now the ex-travel agent. He got fired or quit or something. I don't particularly care.

Monday night I had actually gone out dancing with the roommate and a model friend, and we were at the club when the ex-travel agent texted me asking if I was at a specific club (I guess he facebook stalked me or something) and then said he was coming out. So. He showed up. I spent the first half hour ignoring him and drinking my free drinks and having my picture taken by the club photographer with the roommie and model. At some point, the ex-travel agent and I hit the dance floor, where I spent a good amount of time dancing and flirting with other guys. And then, come midnight, I left him standing on the dancefloor. Had a booty call meeting me at my house.

After the initial reconnection with him, I was worried that there would be this overwhelming desire for him. However, there isn't one. I don't want there to be one. I've realized recently that I have no desire for romance or a serious relationship. I don't have the time or energy or patience. I just straight up don't care. One of my guy friends was all "you're going to fall for him" and you know what? I knew the Monday after the ex-travel agent called that I wouldn't. Yes, I like him but no I don't like him in a way that I want to spend a good amount of time with him.

Anyway. I'm sick. You'd think that after having my tonsils removed that my throat wouldn't be killing me but no. It hurts. And I'm coughing like crazy. blah.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Friday, August 27, 2010

pet peeve #12

You know what's annoying? People who assume that all I do is fuck and that I have no life outside of my bed.

Hi. I'm Sydney. Let me reintroduce myself.
I work 5 days a week with a day job. I webcam nights. I have class 3 nights a week. I have a ridiculously busy social life with FRIENDS. When I'm horny, 95% of the time, a toy can and will take care of my needs. I love reading. I love sleeping alone. I love watching tv shows and movies that nobody will watch with me. I love spending time with people who don't want in my pants. I love to dance. I love to sing in the shower. I write almost every single day of my life. Cooking makes me (and my roommate) happy. I have a shopping problem. I have homework. I have laundry. I have to clean. I have to grocery shop. My friends mean more to me than any person who I've slept with...ever. The only person I've ever truly loved died in Afghanistan. I don't like being disappointed. I don't like rejection. I don't like to count on people (see "I don't like being disappointed" and "I don't like rejection"). I haven't met a single person in the last year and a half of my life who I could consider a genuine friend. I don't like just "lovers", I like friends with benefits (ie, somebody I can sleep with but also hang out with, talk to, carry on real conversations that don't involve any discussion of anything dealing with any type of sex or sexual activity). I don't believe in monogamy. I'm 22 (or 21 again). I don't like getting dolled up for anyone other than myself. I'm selfish. I have a money fetish. I'd be more likely to sleep with you if you didn't assume that all I do is fuck like a rabbit every day of the week. I'm turned on by intelligence and the ability to carry on conversation. I don't like ignorance or people who judge me when they have no right to do so (who died and made you a god?). I will not ever sleep with clients, much less give them HJ's, BJ's or FJ's (never have, never will). I like to relax. I like to lay on the beach. I'm a nudist, and no that isn't sexual at all. I like my personal space. I like to drink. I love painting my toenails.

I'm tired of explaining who I am. If you don't get it yet, you never will and maybe it's best that you stop trying.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

My roommate has been going through some sort of spiritualistic rebirth in his life and has been throwing the phrase "everything happens for a reason" around a bit in relation to things that have gone on in both of our lives. If that's true...I really would love to know the reason for the phone call last night.

The travel agent called. The one who came as close to breaking my heart as anyone has in ages. The one I didn't hear from since we went to Disney months ago. The one who I deleted from my phone. Woke up to my phone ringing with a number I didn't recognize. Answered it. There he was. He "needed someone to talk to" and "knew that he could trust me." What girl doesn't love to hear that she's needed? An hour later, there he was in my kitchen, arms wrapped around me in a hug. It was as if not a single day had gone by. I knew that having him here was a bad idea but it isn't until now that he's gone that it really hit me how bad. I just wanted to help someone who I cared about. And instead I wake up barely dressed with him next to me this morning. He's gone now. No promise of calling again or seeing him soon. Already I'm left wanting what I know I shouldn't.

There's a frying pan on my bedroom floor. The travel agent was in my bed. And I'm pretty sure my roommate spent a good amount of time on our roof in my Wonder Woman costume. Last night was just one big clusterfuck of "what the hell?"

what the hell happened to a relaxing weekend?!

Friday, August 20, 2010

reality lost


I don't know what it is recently, but my dreams have been insane. Not even where they used to be when I got used to the oddities and mishaps of my dreams. Now, they're just at a point where... woah. I can't figure out where the ridiculous overdrive of intensely realistic dreams are coming from. Sometimes I drink sleepy time tea, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have a glass of wine or 3 and sometimes I don't. The consistency of my dreams being so odd is so regular that I can't figure out why. It used to be that whenever I was on any sort of sleep inducing medicine I'd get weird dreams (Nyquil, allergy meds, etc).

Last night's dreams took the cake though. Twice in the middle of the night I woke up with my heart pounding because in my dream I was on the brink of death. Falling upwards. Drowning. I remember in my dream what it felt like to drown. How real it felt. I remember the way my chest seemed to feel as if it were caving in as the water rushed over me, pushing me down. 1 second. 2 seconds. 30 seconds. gone.

I've had realistic dreams before, but nothing. Nothing ever came so close to this. It scared me, but not in the way that scary things scare people, but in the way that having death dreams isn't healthy is it?? I'm at such a fantastic point in my life that I just don't understand. What am I missing or pushing out of my head? Why are my dreams out to kill me?

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

there's a nickel glued to my front door

You know what the problem with dating is? The guys you don't care whether or not make your panties wet always do, and the ones you do want to make your panties wet don't.

Life has taken a shift from where it was. Things are...Good. Great even. It's quite the nice change of pace considering the way things were before.

I don't really have much to say honestly. Well. Maybe I have a lot to say but really, I'm not so much in a sharing mood at the moment. I've shared the past couple week's worth of events with those close to me who matter most and really? That's all that matters.

Food has been ordered. Blog has been updated. Money in the bank. New comefuckmeheels bought. Surrounded by good people and positive energy. What more does a gal need?

Monday, August 9, 2010

back to reality

I made it out of FetCon without a single bruise. Not sure if I'm disappointed or not. I guess that's what reality is for though, right? At least I'm sore as hell.

I'll update later.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

he told me to call him Daddy


The amusingly non-vicious cycle of naughty seems to have begun again. And you know what? It will continue to provide me with just as much pleasure and entertainment now as it did months ago. Only person I've let call me his little whore. And you know what? It makes me giggle. The feminist in me is disgusted. The pleasure part of my brain must be lit up like crazy though.

Things are... fun. Sad, but fun. I think I like the nights that are just as sad as they are fun. The ones where I know I'm sleeping alone but at least I have fun before I get there. I've been spending a good deal of time in my own thoughts. I've been an awful friend to those around me. I haven't seen the Gay Boyfriend in a week. Before that, it had been at least 2 weeks. Falling off the face of the earth and getting lost in my own little world of...well. I don't even know.

I suppose the word to describe me right now is... Content. And stressed. But we shall stick with content since things seem to be all over the emotional board.

FetishCon in Tampa this weekend. I'm stoked. Booking private sessions and shoots. Hustling to get a gig with London Andrews shaking my booty for a private collector. I'm excited to see her...I haven't seen her for over a year now!! I miss London! She's by far one of the sweetest models that I've ever met or worked with. Anyway.

I'm beginning to ramble. I'm going to be done now for the night.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

:(

The ex-security guard has maybe a couple weeks left at his job in town before the company shuts down the office here. He's been applying for jobs. None of which are in Orlando. I'm a mixture of heartbroken and jealous. I'd kill to get out of this city. I'm so envious. I'm so going to miss him. I know I went over a year without talking to him while I was with the younger guy but... I don't know. These past few weeks being with him....I've been so fucking happy, even when I didn't think that I had a chance with him because he was dating someone else (they stopped seeing each other just for the record). I have so much fun with him. I connect with him, even more than I did with the travel agent (who I deleted from my life). I don't connect that well with many people. But we've connected really well for YEARS. Since we both worked at the department store together. years.

Anyway. I guess that means I'm back to dating new folks. I haven't gone on a first date in a while. I'm...nervous. eep. Well, I went on one last night. That's another story though because it'll completely disregard everything I just said about how sad I am about the ex-security guard. So. uh. shhhhhhhh. I drank a bottle of wine before hand last night so if that's any indication of nervousness, well...yea. I don't know if I actually want to be dating again though. I was SO comfortable and happy where I was with the ex-security guard. Things have been going so well with us. And he hasn't applied for any jobs in the state. At all. None. He said if one pops up, he may take it, but he isn't actively looking. Gah. I feel so selfish for wanting nothing good to come of his applying. Blah.

I'm going to go. All that is going to come from me tonight is bitching. bleh.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

forever the hopeless romantic

Years of on and off dating the ex-security guard and I'm still as head over heels for him now as I was when I was... well. however old I was. And you know what? It will never be a serious thing. Ever. Especially now. Now when there was a tiny sliver of hope? There is none. The Florida region of the company he works for is closing. He's talking of the possiblity of relocating to NYC, Texas, Cayman Islands... ugh. The minute I go in for what chance I have, it's already shot to shit. Nothing is certain but for the line of work he does, there aren't any firms in Florida after the one he works for closes. There are possibilities of doing the same work within another financial company but not an entire company that does just whatever it is that he does.

I had the family's dog at the house for a week or so while my folks were at the beach. And now that my dog is back with them...my house feels really empty. I miss my dog. I think I miss her more than I miss my parents. She'd follow me and the roommies around everywhere and it was so cute.

I think maybe the truth is that I'm kinda lonely here. One roommie is either always asleep, at work, or at the club, and the other roommie is so closed off that it makes wanting to get to know her something that I don't even want to bother with. You can see her judgements on her face and up until Friday night, she was sleeping on the damn couch in the living room and next to never left the couch for any reason. I'm sure that part of it is that I haven't worked for 2 weeks and I just had to take my dog back to my parent's house and now I'm just feeling a bit bored and lonely in the silence of this house.

Mom suggested that I schedule an appointment with my therapist to mediate between my Dad and I. I'm not sure I really want to yet. He really hurt my feelings. I know holding a grudge isn't healthy but I just don't think I'm ready to deal with him yet. bleh.

I think I'm having an emo day.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

help me!

Help! I need a new phone...like...Now. If you contribute $15 or more, you get your own customized clip for helping me out! :) http://sydneyscreams.chipin.com/a-new-phone

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I have no more tonsils.

Tonsils are gone. No more tonsil videos for my fantastic little throat/mouth fetish lovers. Pain isn't as bad as everyone said it would be...at least not yet. Everyone that I know whose had the surgery done in their non-childhood years has said that the first three days are the worst, but really...this is just a bad sore throat. Nothing that I can't deal with. Maybe I have a high pain tolerance. Maybe everyone just made it sound worse than it actually was. Maybe my constant drinking and therefore swallowing really has helped.

The ex-Security Guard and I have plans for this weekend. Again. That'll be the third weekend in a row of getting to spend time with him. I won't lie...I'm head over heels for him. Again. It's been several years since the first time but that was so long ago it seems. Friday night when we were hanging out with his friend, he mentioned that him and his girl had done the whole "break up" dance at work where things seemed to be deteriorating. I won't lie... it made me really happy. After I left Saturday morning, he sent a few texts through-out the day and then we talked until we fell asleep that night. Sunday he sent me a "good luck with surgery" text, and then Monday he texted me to check up on me. Smitten. I am absolutely smitten with him. He's coming over to the new place one night this weekend. I haven't felt this giddy about seeing someone in a while. A few friends of mine asked why I hadn't gone for it before...and I guess that after all the shit went down a couple years back that there wasn't going to be another chance... what I would have given years ago for another chance. I think I'm glad I didn't get one then because I think if I did, none of this would be happening. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I'm smitten. I have butterflies at the thought of spending more time with him. Maybe this is my chance?

Things otherwise...I think are going fairly well. Wednesday night, I got into a big fight with my Dad...an occurrence that happens more often than I'd like to admit. He left for vacation on Saturday, and then Sunday I got what I assume to be an apology email from him. Maybe apology isn't the best word. I think I'd rather call it a "trying to make sense of what happened" email. My dad and I have never communicated very well, but I think that my novel length long email response was what I really wanted to say, exactly how I wanted to say it. He really hurt my feelings this time. And maybe it was a miscommunication, but his attempt at creating parallels between me and farm workers, well... it isn't going to work out as planned. I've tried for years trying to win over my dad's approval and it took the Beast telling me something I've told several friends about boyfriends or girlfriends for it to actually sink in that all my attempts have been in vain. Nothing will ever be good enough, so why bother trying?

FetishCon in Tampa is less than a month away and I won't lie...I'm fairly nervous. It'll be my first time going and I have no idea what to expect. I've got a couple shoots lined up and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm really trying to tackle more fetishes than what I've been doing but toeing the line between what I'm willing to do and what others want me to do is such a difficult thing, both for private sessions and for the interweb to see. One of my favorite clients bugged me multiple times for our next session to include things I'm so not even comfortable doing be it on film or not. I think I'm getting to a point where people are starting to expect me to get into doing those things and really? I just don't want to...no matter how much money is involved. I do this because it's 1-fun, 2-extra money in my pocket, 3-an amusing way to meet new people. Somewhere underneath all of this naughty exterior, there are some hidden morals under there. I hate having to be mean, but I'm at that point where I am exhausted by people trying to get me to step out of my boundaries. Rules are meant to be broken, not morals.

Oh, so. I'm a redhead again. I think I've found a new color for me :D

Saturday, July 10, 2010

curtains finally closing

Spent the night hanging out with the ex-Security Guard and a friend of his. Dinner. Drinks. Zombieland. More drinks. 3 of us in his bed. His arms around me the entire night. It felt amazing. Minus the whole waking up damn early so they could go to the theme parks. Oh well. That's what my own bed is for.

I absolutely love this house. Even with the walls/ceiling being the way it is in my room, I don't feel like the walls are closing in. I love having a roommate who goes out a lot. It makes me want to go out too and you know what? I fucking love it.

I love karma. It really makes you feel good to do things for other people. I'm having a much better week once I put my life back into perspective Wednesday night/Thursday morning.

That's all I got right now.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

the truth is, I miss you

Surgery postponed. Blah. Kind of super annoyed, however when it comes down to it, it seems to be a good thing that it happened. Today was super busy at work due to several factors. Insanity. Some days you just really need to be able to just take a deep breathe...well...I needed that today but couldn't get it. Insanity.

Not having surgery yesterday meant that I spent a great majority of my day in bed asleep or watching Californication. My Mom also took me shopping which was hip. And I also spent a good deal of time thinking.

It's been weeks since I've spent time with the Beast. The truth is...I miss him. I've been so caught up in my own drama of moving and work and school that I haven't been around like I usually am and so I haven't seen him as often. The Gay Boyfriend has been spending the night at my new place rather than me crashing there, which is understandable since I know how much living in one place can drive a person mad at points. But anyway...I miss the Beast. I miss joking with him and our tickle fights...screaming and begging to stop. I miss cuddling up to him in the middle of the night.

I'm sure when it comes down to it, it really isn't just the Beast. I miss affection of any sort. The last real affection in my life came from the Virginity Thief, which annoyed me beyond belief after the fact. It was nice being curled up in his arms though, even if just for a while. I won't lie...I haven't cuddled with anyone in... I don't know how long. The Virginity Thief and the Beast have basically been the only two in months. I guess there were a few nights in there with the ex Security Guard but now that I've met the girl he's dating, and I don't hate her as much as I want to, I know that I can't pursue that. Anyway. Affection. There's been a severe lack of it in my life. I don't much care for public displays of it...I just want someone to cuddle up with at night, to feel the warmth of in my bed. Someone who I actually care about preferably. hmph.

I was beginning to wonder if the spell check on this thing was working. I'm pretty sure I spell a million things wrong despite what I'm pursuing a degree in. However, it wasn't until I spelled "preferably" with the "r" and the "e" switched around like I always do, that I learned that spell check was actually working and perhaps maybe my spelling is actually improving. Orrrrrr maybe that's just wishful thinking. Maybe.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

It is inevitable that I will always want that which I cannot have and not want that which is readily available.

I spent most of my morning/afternoon at iHop with the virginity thief having balloon hats made for us, then having fantastic sex and cuddling up long enough for me to catch a bit of sleep. I kicked him out upon him saying "I love you" and then asking how I felt about him. My response? "Well...you're fun in bed. and when we're having balloon hats made. but you're just a friend." Boy should know better.

Tomorrow I am going in for surgery to have my tonsils removed. I won't lie...I'm a bit scared. I've read some horrible stories (the pain is worse than child birth for instance. thanks for that one mom) and some not so horrible stories (the more you swallow the faster you heal. that made me giggle. swallow. ha!).

I'm going to end this now. Mainly because I'm going to crawl onto the roof of the new house and watch fireworks. Happy America Day lovers!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

it's all about the little things

Back in February I went on what I'm going to refer to as a semi-date with this guy whom I met of a dating website. I'm sticking with semi-date because we went to a gallery show that I had artwork featured in and was also modeling in one of the nights of the event, and through out the entire night, we could barely walk 15 feet without running into people I know. You could say I'm a little popular around town I suppose. Anyway, Semi-Date guy and I have been talking pretty much ever since. I suppose that sometimes I fall off the face of the earth for a few days and what not but I do that with basically everyone in my life. It's a natural cycle for me.

Tonight Semi-Date guy called me and told me he was calling just because he enjoys talking with me. Not going to lie, I went from being kind of "bleh" with the night to having a huge grin on my face. For some reason which I have yet to figure out, Semi-Date guy has stuck around since our semi-date back in February, and even though I'm absolutely insane (and he seems to get the bad side of my insanity), he keeps talking to me...almost every day.

Now. You're probably wondering why the fuck I'm bothering to share, but there is a purpose here...even if only for my own sanity of writing it.

I don't particularly believe in fairy tale endings. Something has to happen after that fairy tale kiss rather than just "happily ever after." Talking on the phone with Semi-Date guy made me realize part of why I've always been so hesitant with relationships and so against the idea of ever getting married. My realization is this: People spend so much time wanting to make each other happy that they don't learn or know how to handle arguments, and so instead, they let the anger build up and forget the idea of forgiving. I want someone I can argue with. I want someone who I can have fun with. I want someone who can make me laugh or cry. Life isn't perfect, for anybody, and so why on earth I've been expecting my love life to be some sort of perfection is beyond reasoning.

There's a line in an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie says "I just want someone to stand still with" and you know what? That's all I want. I don't want perfection or ideals. I want conversation, and whether it leads to happy endings or arguments doesn't even matter. I want someone who calls me just to talk to me even after arguing and annoying the hell out of me. I want someone to stand still with. It's the little things in life like that...they make a whole world of difference.

And with that... I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

disconnected

It had been a month Saturday night when I decided to give in and say "screw it" to the whole celibacy thing. Giving up sex for a month was an attempt to reconnect with myself and banish thoughts of people from my mind. It didn't work out too well. Instead, I took up drinking more often, and usually in the privacy of my own room. Saturday I just decided that nothing really seemed to be helping my own insanity so I surely wasn't going to deny myself that which brings me such pleasure.

Anyway. Things are good once you step outside my mental state. Moving into the new place soon. I need to paint the walls and put together my new furniture but otherwise, I'm ready. Oh, and I suppose I should pack boxes and disassemble my bed and desk so they're moveable.

I'd just like to share, since it's playing on my last.fm right now, that I really dislike Britney Spears' If You Seek Amy.

I'm sitting around tonight in lingerie and drinking a glass of wine. I kind of don't want to be here, but I feel like after the break down I had last week that ended up with me actually calling the Beast as my first line of defense, I don't really want to put him through that again. Don't get me wrong, he was amazing about it but I know how he judges...at least I know how he judges my Gay Boyfriend and quite frankly, as much as I adore the Beast, I'm not sure I'm ready for the harshness of his judgements, especially since he rarely keeps them to himself. Anyway, after 22 years in this same city, you'd think that I'd have more than a few people who I could turn to in times of need. But really? Llama Girl lives in another state. The Gay Boyfriend and the Beast are within 15 minutes of my house, and Whitney has enough going on in her own life and doesn't need my crap piled on top of it. That's who I've got. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of people who I can go out and have fun with but people who know me and see me when I'm not on my A game are few and far between. It kind of sucks, but at least I know who my friends are.

Anyway, this is starting to get all sad and stuff so I'm checking out now.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Saturday night I had a filming night with Miss Whitney Morgan, Bliss and Slave Andy. We were really productive I'm happy to say. Each of us was able to make 5 clips for each of our stores. It was good fun. Exhausting, but fun. I always forget how ballbusting is a great for a cardio work out. Sunday, I woke up with my legs sore as hell. It was nice. I love that feeling.

Anyway, that was probably the only upside to my weekend. I canceled two dates. I stayed home watching soccer/futball and did a whole lot of nothing. I should have started packing boxes, but I didn't. Whoops.

Oh, I'm moving in about 2 weeks. My soon to be house is fantastic. I cannot wait to shoot in it. Wood floors, vaulted ceilings that come down to about 4 feet off the floor, and just all around fantasticness. My roommate is awesome as well. He and I have decided to dominate the second floor, and the 3rd roommate will be downstairs. It'll be a blast. I think we're going to have a housewarming party at some point, but not until after my tonsil surgery.

that's my update. done.

Friday, June 11, 2010

she spoke words of wisdom

Another sexless night spent in the Beast's bed. Strangely, I'm rather ok with it. I'm going to be honest about this situation, even if it isn't exactly something I've admitted to myself up until my drive over to his and the gay boyfriend's apartment last night. If the Beast and the Gay Boyfriend weren't in my life...I'd probably be ridiculously depressed...like more so than I already am. It's not that I'm constantly depressed, so don't worry there...it's more this occasional depression that washes over for no reason what so ever. But anyway, without them, I'm pretty sure I'd be completely lost. The two of them have become two of my best and closest friends. The fact that I can lay on their apartment floor drunk off my ass, incapable of spelling "Dinosaur" (true story) or laying there crying/whining/ranting about anything, and being completely comfortable is such a rare thing for me. The only person in my life whose ever been that close to me has been Llama Girl (yea, I couldn't think of anything else to nickname you, so for the time being, you get stuck with the original nickname. I'll think of one later. love you!).

I'm so tired of heterosexual men right now. I don't know why I don't group the Beast into that category though. I think it's cause he's not as confusing or judgmental or whatever as everyone else. I've stopped talking to the travel agent, other than to ask what property management firm his dad works for when I was applying to move in with my soon to be new roommate. I won't lie and say I've got no desire to talk to him, because I've got plenty of desire to talk to him, but I don't have the energy for that confusion. I canceled a date tonight with this guy S. Just not in the mood to be wanted by people who actually know me. No. I suppose that's not quite entirely true. Let me rephrase that. I want to be wanted by two people in particular, and since nobody else are those people, why bother? I don't think I'm actually interested in anyone but the ex-security guard or the Beast. There. I said it. They're the only two guys I've been with in the past few months that actually know me well enough to know not to put me on a pedestal or have expectations of me. I could date the ex-security guard again. My friends love him. I adore him. He's fun. He's gorgeous. He's intelligent. He's about to go to grad school. One night, after we were out together, we sat on his porch talking and drinking and he drunkenly said that he considered us to be dating, which is a hell of a lot more than the Beast has ever given.

Anyway. Here's a conversation that I *think* happened this morning. It may have been a dream or it may have been me being half awake trying to converse with the Beast:
(his hand was on my hip when this conversation happened)
Beast:I can't tell if you're awake or not.
Me:Hmm?
Beast:Well, you seem to be asleep, but you're moving around more then normal. and cuddling with me really close.
Me:ohthatscool.
Beast:What? stop mumbling.
Me:That's coooooool.
Beast:Are you awake?
Me:Maybe. I don'treallyknow.
Beast:I can't tell if you're awake for me to molest you.
Me:I don't know either. Just do it. I'll probably like it anyway.
Beast:what?
Me:I'm asleep, but go ahead. I'll wake up.

This seemed like a completely reasonable conversation for us to have. Not even kidding. I just don't know if it actually happened or not. yea.

Monday, June 7, 2010

so.

Bad things happen when I'm drunk because when I'm drunk, it seems like a good idea at the time. yea. that's the story of my life for the past 2 weeks. I think that maybe...I drink to much. *looks to her left...* That could explain the large glass of red wine sitting next to me that I've been sipping on this evening.

Wine and chocolate. And maybe a vibrator. That's all I need this week. I've decided that my attempts at dating are such a ridiculous failure that it is time I step back and get back in touch with me. I haven't gotten myself off in over a month. Yea. No masturbation...at all. WTF?! And it's not just because I'm wearing these ridiculous acrylic nails...well. That could explain the past 2 weeks. But the time before that? Really. What the hell was my excuse?!

The past few times I've crashed in the Beast's bed, there's been nothing. No sex. No messing around. Not even cuddling! What the hell?! Ok, so he's been in a pissy mood and it's fairly annoying and blah blah blah blah. But um...sex=stress relief. whatever. probably healthier for me mentally right now anyway.

It looks like I'll be moving at the end of this month/beginning of June. No worries, it's not that far. Just about 15 minutes away, which will put me closer to my day job, school, downtown (yay dancing!) and other funtimes. Oh, and my future roommate? He's fucking fabulous. We went dancing Friday night and let me tell you...him and my gay boyfriend are going to have to fight over whose fag hag I'm going to be after the move in.

I'm going to take my tipsy ass to bed now. Yea.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I am ready, I am ready for the floor

So, the rule of threes has now been passed with the Beast. I'd been slightly worried about it due to my track record, but it has come and gone without any extra emotional crap being put on the table. It's quite possible that we've actually digressed back to that point before bringing emotional crap into whatever good we have going. I think I may have at least come up for a reason as to why the rule of threes hasn't become a problem yet. I think it's because I separate the Beast as a lover from the Beast as one of my best friends. But that's the beauty in all this! He's a lover in the comfort of his bed...or the floor....or the couch. And then, other times, we can talk and carry on real conversations about anything and everything. Quite literally he is a friend with benefits. I've had that loosely with others, but never quite fitting the definition of "friend". It's a nice change that I really really like, and it makes compartmentalizing my life so much easier.

After a little conversation that happened yesterday with someone, I realized how much guys emphasize wanting a girl to look good all the time. See, I'm going to a w
edding this weekend, so I'm going through the prepping process of getting my nails done, pedicure, waxing, etc. I've had fake nails on maybe 3 other times before this. I hate them. I always end up ripping them off or cutting them down. Pedicures, yea, I love them, but I'd rather just paint my own toenails unless I'm having a particular shitty week and need to make myself feel pretty. Waxing, I used to do all the time but then reintroduced myself to tweezers so I haven't in a while. I rarely ever wear makeup...it's reserved for photoshoots and the occasional night out. I don't wear makeup most nights that I go out though. I did some thinking after this conversation and it really hit me just how much I hate when it's expected that I'm dolled up. See, I don't like when people expect things of me in their terms. I like when
people know me and expect me to be a certain or do something because they know that's how I am. I'm not someone who dolls up more than maybe once a month. It is exhausting to me mentally and physically. I doll up because I want to doll up, not because someone wants me to. And so I'm constantly annoyed by this expectation of "looking hot today?" because no. I'm not. Right now, I'm in what I'd normally wear for being me and doing my own thing...work out shorts and a tshirt. I live in jeans and tshirts. I have to dress nicely 32 hours a week for work. What the fuck makes you think that I want to dress nicely outside of work? That's not me. If someone doesn't want me for me, then fuck it. I don't have time or energy for other people's unrealistic expectations of me anyway.

What I think bothers me is that I've been consistently put up on this pedestal and for what? Something I'm not. Something I never have been. Something I never will be. Some ideal of how someone else thinks I ought to be. That ain't me babe. If you want me to be someone that I'm not, then you're in for a big wake up call because it isn't going to happen. I won't play the role of someone I'm not for anyone. It is exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally. It adds to whatever depressiveness I have. He claims he want to be my friends and wants me to tell him things but how can I when he doesn't understand who I am.

This is me. This isn't an act. It never has been, it never will be. Don't like me? Fuck off.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Once Upon A Time...

Once Upon A Time, there was a desperate girl who hadn't gotten laid for months and had no physical attention whatsoever from anything other than her plethora of toys, which really hardly counts since there's no cuddling or "you're gorgeous" after the fact. So one night, this girl and her bff met a photographer after a meeting with a different photographer. This second photographer they met that evening was cocky, arrogant, overweight, and rather obnoxious and immature. Yet, the girl decided that out of boredum, she would shoot with him anyway the next night. So, the girl drives alllllllllll the way the fuck out there and they hang out and shoot. The girl can tell he's crushing on her, but she plays her normal teasing role as model, then leaves. Out of boredum several nights later, she finds herself hanging out at his house learning how to photoshop and discussing shoot ideas. And then watching a movie. And then cuddling. And then making out. A week or so goes by, and by this time, the girl has fallen into some sort of delusional state of mind and is spending the night at his house and messing around with him, partially out of boredum, partially out of loneliness. At some point, guy asks her if she'd be his girlfriend, and stupidly, the girl agrees. A month goes by and the guy has to move out of state. Bummer.

So, he moves. Still stuck in the delusional state of mind, the girl becomes obsessed with making it work. Nightly phone calls, airplane tickets, etc. This goes on for about 2 months before girl gets restless, annoyed, and starts to realize how delusional she's been. So, she starts her normal routine of turning into bitch and asking for things that most people wouldn't consider ok...open relationship, fewer phone calls, criticizing everything about him, etc. Finally, on her dollar, he comes to Florida in attempt to fix things even though she knows it cannot and will not be done. They fight for several days and finally, the girl kicks him out and leaves him on the side of the street to figure out his own way home. Boy gets maaaaaad. Girl giggles. Boy constantly text messages girl calling her names. Girl texts back without calling names, but instead pushing all the buttons that she knows gets him more mad at her. Boy leaves Florida several days later. Girl is happy. Boy won't leave girl alone. Boy gets mad because girl slept with other people while they were in open relationship (*gasp!*). Boy threatens to hunt down girl and kill her. Girl blocks boy from her phone, her myspace, her facebook, and every other social networking site humanly possible. Months go by. A year goes by.

Boy messages girl from a new account he has apparently created. Asks girl if she still hates him. Girl laughs and thinks to herself "hate you? that would require spending energy thinking about you." and decides that rather than ignore this message like she's done alllll the other ones like this, she'll respond. "To hate you would require that I think of you. Which I don't, and haven't. Until now. And it'd be super fantastic if you'd continue letting me forget about your existence. Thanks." Boy responds with "well, maybe someday". Girl doesn't respond. Instead she almost falls out of chair laughing because there is no way in hell guy will ever mature enough to be friends with girl, nor will girl ever go down that path of drama ever again.

And the girl, without the boy in her life, will live happily ever after.
The End.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

It's Friday night and I ain't got nobody so what's the point of making my bed

You know what I hate? Confusion. The past week has been a clusterfuck of emotional confusion and quite frankly, it was really annoying. And now? The past 24 hours of my life? Even more confused, which in turns means even more annoying. Where do I start??

The travel agent is back in town. I was really looking forward to seeing him when he got back and then. well. That got shot to shit. We made plans to hang out the Sunday after he got back and I didn't hear from him until late afternoon. I got the impression that he wasn't really interested because of it, so I decided to just lay off and not bother pursuing him. Yea, I was disappointed but I don't have the time or effort for such things. So then he posted a few comments on my facebook, so I texted him asking him if he was feeling better. He was. Decided that I wanted to figure him out, so I invited him to Disney with me. I figured it would be a basically no pressure day where we could hang out as friends and I could feel him out a bit more. I texted him on Tuesday about it...I heard back from him Thursday. Ok. Who the hell waits more than 24 hours to respond to a text message?! ugh.

So. Today. One of my girl friends came along today, as well as a photographer friend of mine who got us into Disney free. The travel agent and I pick up my female friend, and she instantly asks how we met. Well, I just giggled and awkwardly said we were friends, knowing that he felt weird about us meeting on a dating site. I looked in my rearview mirror at him and as my friend asked again how we met, he instantly says "sky diving". I'm hoping that if asked again by anyone, he'll come up with something else. Anyway, the whole day, it was friend card between us. I really liked it, but at the same time, my mind kept drifting back to his lips and hands...that phone call after we first met...I'm lost in confusion. What are we? Where the hell do I stand? What the fuck was with his comment about "I thought I was coming over to hang out as friends" minutes after his arms were wrapped around me and his lips on my neck? I hate confusion. I hate not knowing where I stand with someone. He's adorable. He's fun. He's as extrovertedly introverted as me. He has good music taste. I like him. Not hearing from him Sunday was a turn off though. And then him not texting me back for two days was another. But I like him despite that. But I need/want to know where I stand. I'm horrible about asking about such things. I want to know what I am to him. Friend? Lover? Friend with benefit? What? bleh. :/

Thursday night I stayed the night at the Gay Boyfriend and the Beast's apartment. I got there before the Gay boyfriend got home from work, and the Beast gave me a back massage. It was nice. And then it turned into messing around. He spent at least an hour going down on me and upon his coming up for air, I asked why he rarely wants me to reciprocate. Apparently watching me and enjoying me is fun. I don't really know what that means about getting off, or the lack there of on his side. I feel bad. He is so great at getting me off and has actually stopped me from going down on him. I don't quite get it. I love that he enjoys getting me off...dear whatever divinity I love it. But... I like to reciprocate. He knew I was spending time with the Travel Agent since he heard the Gay boyfriend and I discussing it later on in the evening, and so he purposefully tried to leave marks on me. He failed. No bruising on my ass. No bite marks on my thighs. tsk tsk.

I'm exhausted. I think it's time I fall asleep. Sex and the City marathon on TBS til I pass out.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

numbers

I don't know why I recently noticed it, but I've noticed how many people in my life have this weird obsession with numbers in various capacities. Time. Number of orgasms. Number of drinks. Number of lovers. Money. Number of shoes. Number of times I've seen someone. Numbers numbers numbers. I don't get it. Or maybe I do.

In 2009 I stopped wearing a wrist watch. I spent a lot of time looking at what time it was. I was always rushing, always worried about how much time was left. Time time time. One day, shortly after a friend of mine committed suicide, I took off my watch, declaring that it slowed me down and that I didn't have the time for it. I haven't put it on since except for a photoshoot. I've stopped obsessing with time. People don't realize just how important exactly time is in our lives. Time is very important to me, and it fascinates me. I'm chronically early to everything despite my lack of a wrist watch. It takes effort for me to be late. I'm irritated by those who don't pay attention to time. It isn't even that my life is run by a schedule except for my work and school schedule. Everything else is up in the air most of the time. Time. Just another set of numbers, but it dictates so much of our lives. Why?

Numbers people annoy me I think. Life isn't about numbers. I don't count numbers of blinks I take or people I've kissed. I don't count orgasms. I have a list of lovers, and therefore I know that number, but I've stopped caring. Why the obsession with numbers? Half of what people want to measure with a number can't be truly be measured by numbers. A conversation came up recently with a friend of mine about orgasms. He wanted to know how many I had. I didn't know. What he said he really wanted to know was if I enjoyed myself. Of course I enjoyed myself. I could have one orgasm and the sex still be amazing. I could have too many to even try to count and the sex still be amazing.

Numbers are for mathematicians and accountants. I've dated one of each so far in 2010. And neither have ever brought up numbers to me. I think they understand numbers better than most, and not in the literal mathematical since of understanding numbers, but in the lack of importance of them in most situations. Time and money are the only points in which numbers matter, and money is only marginal. They say money doesn't matter to the people who have money. Money doesn't matter to me and I don't have much. So that leaves one thing left. Time. Only numbers that matter to me anymore. And really? That's because I only have so much of it left.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

someday you will find caught beneath the landslide

Yesterday I went to the nudist resort. I try to go as often as I can. I love getting away from the pressures of people. I spend the day ignoring phone calls and text messages, laying pool side with a cocktail or beer in hand, or in the pool socializing with people who have been introduced to me through the photographer and his wife who I know there. A model and I got there at about 10:30, and immediately the photographer's wife hands us cocktails. Yea. Day can't go wrong when it starts off with naked cocktails. We spent about 2 hours total shooting, and then went to lunch at the resort's cafe/bar. After all this, we all went in the pool and socialized and did a bit of networking. At some point, I got out of the pool to lay out and read. I fell asleep, as I often do when out in the sun and relaxing. I wake up however long later, and this guy who had been eyeing me in the pool earlier calls my name. um. ok....

So, I go into the pool and he immediately sits next to me on th
e seat/bench thing in the pool, and puts his arm around me. Um. No. I don't know this guy's name but immediately I can tell that this isn't going to be good. He spent the next 5 minutes informing me of some story about why he isn't friends with one of the girls I was talking to earlier, and basically the underlying meaning of his story is that he's ridiculously clingy and can't take no for an answer. UGH. Seriously, this guy would not stop talking. Let me get this straight to you guys. I go to the nudist resort to be treated like a human being, not an object of someone's wet dreams later. And until yesterday, that's how I've always been treated. People are friendly and respectful and they mind that personal bubble su
rrounding you. But no. Not this guy. He was all up on me. Now, don't get me wrong, I love people and I love my friends, but if you're a complete fucking stranger, I don't want to know your life story. Don't care. I'm probably one of the friendliest, most caring people you will ever meet. I care so much that I get walked all over. But dude. Leave me the fuck alone with your life story, and don't ask so many questions that I don't actually have time to answer. And don't answer your questions for me. Yea. that isn't cool. Anyway. He asked me why I go to the resort, I told him it's to get away from people and relax. He asked me personal questions that were none of his goddamn business. He was like a desperate puppy. I don't like desperate puppies. Desperation is not sexy.

I don't get that about guys. I'm obviously telling you that I'm not interested, and yet they pester and pester. Do guys really think that's the way to get a girl? I want to be friends with someone before being a lover (ok, maybe sometimes I don't want to be friends with my lovers. shut up.) or in a relationship. But to be my friend, it's a give and take. You can't speak for me unless you happen to have a matching tattoo on your hip and have known me for over a decade. You can't pester me with questions and then not give me a chance to answer for myself. Don't assume things about me. I hate that. Assumptions don't make an ass out of you and I, they just make an ass out of you. For all I know, this guy is one of the pathetic losers who follows me on facebook and really does worship the ground I walk on. I don't know. But regardless, no. just plain fucking no.

Anyhow. I've avoided having private time with the Beast since he came over one night and we smoked up then proceeded to have pool sex. Pool sex is definitely overrated. It was my first time but, I have to admit, the body high I had made it waaaay better than it would have been. That was a week ago now. I've seen him twice since and frankly...I've avoided getting drunk so I could drive home so that I wouldn't sleep with him again. I fucking hate emotions. Emotions fuck with me way too much. I can't do this. I can't. And so damnit. I'm not going to. If I can't just sleep in bed with someone then I'm not going to. What's so hard about that? I've done that with him and countless other people. Bleh. Emotions and I do not get along.

Friday, May 7, 2010

well, that didn't work out too well...

Self restraint is not a talent I possess. Seriously. I suck at it. Which is how I ended up sexing the Beast last night. It was... well. Let me start at the beginning. I was at his and the gay boyfriend's apartment last night watching movies (btw, for those of you who are squirmish like me, don't watch the Human Centipede. Yea. Just...Don't. we didn't even get that far into it and I just couldn't do it) and hanging out, and I was too intoxicated to drive and so asked the Beast if he minded if I slept in his bed. Now, we've shared a bed without messing around before and I was pretty determined to stick to my decision. Until he woke me up... and even then, I kept asking if we were supposed to be doing that and having some sort of moral dilemma thinking that we shouldn't be messing around since we agreed to, ya know, quit. Anyway. It ended pleasurably but I still feel like it probably shouldn't have happened. I like him. I trust him. But, I told him that we needed to stop because of the possibility of drama...and part of that was the possibility of me being hurt. I don't know how he got to being in my head like that, but he's there. Messing around...err, sexing, isn't going to make that any better for me. I'm perfectly content laughing and talking with him. I love those moments in fact. But... the line is going to get really blurry for me really soon if this happens again. I can't take having a blurry line right now. We've slept in the same bed without messing around before...why can't that continue?!

Anyway. South FL was... *giggle* really fun. That's going to be saved for a Confessions video on my clips4sale store. Yea.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Girl (if you're wondering if I want you to) I want you to

Ok. So. It's been a couple months since I've seen the virginity thief. After the fiasco of his confession, I decided that I wanted little to do with him for obvious reasons. I cut off communication and went about my business elsewhere. About that time, I started dating that guy who I've since stopped dating. Anyway, after my most difficult exam last night, I decided to text the virginity thief for drinks. So we met up at our bar and had a couple beers, chain smoked and talked. He was different. I inquired about his err...problem and he told me that he hadn't touched the stuff since the last time he had seen me and had been beaten in with a mag light. I chose winners. ha. Anyway. I was hungry so we went to Dennys at some point and afterwards neither of us wanted beers and he made the comment of "we could just go back to your place and I could screw your brains out" and it sounded like a fantastic idea. So we did just that. I'm not going to lie...fucking him is fun. I'm a bit sore from the whole thing. It's kinda nice. And by kinda, I mean really.

One of the things I like about him is that we can talk. No pressure to fake conversations. We can talk about anything and everything. He knows my business, I know his. I have no desire to fall in love with this guy because I know what he's capable of doing to me, and therefore I won't fall for him. Even when we were seeing each other often enough to have the problem of feelings potentially come up, it wasn't an issue for me. They just simply were not there. I love that I can be around him and talk to him and have fantastic sex with him without emotions. Finding guys who I can hang out with without emotions is kind of difficult. Don't get me wrong, sometimes they're ok. And sometimes I want them. But most of the guys that seem to be attracted to me are people I don't want attracted to me. That's just annoying. Ha.

Heading to South FL next week to hang out with some beautiful ladies. I'm looking forward to it. Nothing makes me happier than beautiful ladies. I wish ladies weren't so crazy though.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

the end of the Beast

After a drunken evening of confessing our feelings for each other last week, things with the Beast went down hill but in a really strange way. I'm not getting into details there since those who need to know already do. So yesterday I did the equivalent of breaking up with him. I guess you can't really break up with someone who you were never with to begin with, but we mutually decided that to avoid all drama, we need to stop messing around. So there it is. The end of the Beast's involvement in my sex life despite our lack of actual sex. It's weird. I know that doing the right thing is good and all, but it sucks. There's just so much potential for a lot of bad to come of this situation that included losing one of my very few best friends, and quite frankly I'm not in the market for a new best friend at this point in my life. I'm not ready for the heartache that would surely come if I kept things going with the Beast physically since our feelings had been brought to the table. Neither of us want a relationship and at the point where we were at, I wouldn't have been able to stop my emotions from building even stronger had we continued to be bedmates. I won't be seeing him or my gay boyfriend for a few days since they're heading to Atlanta today and I've got stuff going on through next week. It'll be good for me, and I know it was the right thing to do. It's not like he's disappearing from my life entirely since I'm over there all the damn time and there have definitely been times where it feels like I'm an extra roommate for them. But there will be no more nights messing around for hours before falling asleep.

That's about it in major news recently. Haven't seen the Italian Guy for a week or so but he called last night to hang out. I already had plans with a friend from my high school days, so there was no fantastic sex with the Italian last night. Instead there was funny conversation and Steak n Shake with a guy who lived around the corner from me for most of my grade school years. It's been a week since the actual potential real interest in my life left for the other side of the world. You know when you like someone and you forget what they look like? Yea, that doesn't happen because the internet exists, but if it didn't the only part of him that I can seem to bring to mind is his smile. I love smiles. Smiles make me weak. Gah. I'm not going to lie. I actually miss this guy. So weird. I've still got 2 more weeks before I even have the chance of his number showing up on my phone. That's damn annoying.

I guess the benefit of my "breaking up" with the Beast brought me to realize that I'm finally at a point where I'm ready for a relationship. I haven't been since the whole breakup with the Younger Guy. And honestly, I wasn't ready for a relationship for most of the time I was actually with the Younger Guy. However, I'm not ready for a relationship with just anyone and I'm obviously not going out of my way to get one...I'm having way too much fun dating and having fun with people but if I meet someone and it feels right, I'm not going to say no to one just because I'm too busy having fun and dating around.

So that's about it really. Time to go back to studying. Ugh.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

In pretending to be a man in love, he became a man in love.

You know what I've done today? Next to nothing. I had a day to myself. I watched a few movies, moved my room around again, painted my toenails, and thought. thought a lot.

Last night as I drunkenly lay on my gay boyfriend's floor as he played his music for me, I decided I'm just a sucker for emotional torture. Would I like the Beast if I could actually have him? Would I have fallen for the new guy if he hadn't left for 3 weeks two days after we met?

I don't know. Maybe it's just another emo day this week. Maybe I should just stop watching romance movies. Maybe I should skip hanging out with the Beast tonight and give myself a chance to reflect. I don't know. Maybe I should see him. Gah. After the night we had the other night... I don't even know. I'm so much more confused than I was before. And yet the new guy hasn't left my mind for long since meeting, and he's literally on the other side of the world for 3 weeks. Ugh.

Feelings=confusing.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

a hot italian to go please...

I spent the better part of yesterday wrapped up in the arms of a gorgeous Italian guy. And then all of last night. And then part of this morning. Not going to lie. He could easily be in my top 5 lovers list. Amazing kisser. Fantastic and attentive lover. Adorable. It was pretty much amazing... all 4 times we sexed. *giggle* I practically melted into his arms when he first kissed me. I could have stayed in bed with him all day and been completely and totally happy. And well sexed. Very very well sexed.

but no. I had to go and leave and be responsible cause I have shit to do today. Finished a paper. Got a photography mentoring session in a couple hours. Thinking of squeezing in a power nap before that. It is entirely possible that I won't see this guy ever again. It's entirely possible that he'll text me asking when we're going out again. I have no idea. And I'm pretty much ok with that. Now, don't get me wrong, the sex was fantastic. But was there a connection outside of that? Eh. He's nice. We both love traveling and food and beer. Other than that? Not so much. I'm not a video game girl...although he did get me to somewhat successfully play grand theft auto last night..along with some other game but who the hell knows what that was.

One thing though, that I feel the need to mention because 1-I thought it was slightly hilarious and 2-I don't really have a 2 but whatever. He's obviously a pro at picking up chicks. I say this because he knew how to dress, with just that one top button undone on his shirt so I could see just enough to make me want more. He also had an unopened toothbrush for me...and upon careful inspection of the contents under his sink, he had more than just one unopened toothbrush laying around. If that doesn't scream pro, I don't know what does. Oh also, he knew how to make the perfect margarita. yum! He was too good to have not seduced before. And you know what? I don't care. I thought about it for a while the other day, about my whole raising my number thing. And you know what? I'm not planning on getting married, like...ever. So. My number is going to go up cause I sure as hell ain't fucking the same guys I've fucked in the past again. Why bother trying to be so fucking saintly about it? I mean yea. I'm picky as fuck about who gets in my pants and who doesn't but why bother worrying that my number is getting close to double my age. It's just another number to remember.

Another plus of this guy? Best. Foot. Massage. Ever. even if I did squirm a little because it tickled at some points... ;)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

and now for cryptic entry #1

I wonder if I'm the only one that sees the irony in their living situation. *giggle*

Friday, April 9, 2010

Martinis and boys in whitey tighties

Drunkenly stumbled up the steps to the Beast's apartment last night after several martinis at a gay bar with friends and one of my bosses. I arrived with my dress partially unbuttoned due to one of the gals deciding my boobs needed to be out a bit more. Song lyrics written on my arm.

Drunk. Stoned. Fell asleep in the Beast's bed. Woke up an hour or so later to him getting to bed and then playing with me. Was nice way to wake up. I do love the fucked up things he does to me. It wasn't just the alcohol or bud.

I had a lot to drink last night though. Fuck.

New photoset going live on Zivity today. Come check it out and vote for me. Votes show your love! http://www.zivity.com/models/SydneyScreams

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

they don't want you like I want you.

Despite the fact that I've been seeing this one guy for a while now, he isn't who I really want. I think it hit me last week when I spent the night. He spent the night last night, I really felt it though. I like him and I really enjoy spending time with him, but there's no way I could be with him long term. It's a temporary thing for me. I really felt it this morning when I woke up and even though his arm was around me, he wasn't the first person on my mind.

The real problem is who was the first person on my mind this morning. Someone whose more emotionally unavailable then me. Super. No worries, it isn't the virginity thief (that's a reassurance for a specific friend who I know reads this *cough cough*). It's someone that's a lot more complicated in more than just the emotional way. I woke up thinking of the Beast. What's weird is I can't turn off things around him. More specifically, I can't turn off being ticklish around him for the life of me. I can't turn off my lust for him whether I'm around him or not. I can't turn off my intrigue for him. Saturday night was the first time him and I hung out on our own. After the movie that we didn't watch, we sat outside talking and I have to say, he probably gave me the most simple and best piece of advice anybody has ever given me. It was the sad response of someone trapped and disappointed in recent bad news, but it was the most beautiful response anyone has ever given me. I want to be miserable with him. I want to sleep all day and stay awake all night chain smoking with him. I want more of the bruises he leaves on my legs after a night of rolling around in his bed. I want to know everything about him. I rarely say that people intrigue me, but he does. I've told him that a few times. He laughed. I think it was cause I was rather intoxicated and it was probably following my saying to him "you sir, are a gentleman and a scholar." I'm not sure what exactly to do from here. Except we have plans to hang out both tomorrow night after I'm out of class and Saturday night. Yea. Plans. To hang out. With each other. Not with the gay boyfriend. Yea.

Oh, but yea. I've tested it out. I can turn off being ticklish. It's kinda spiffy, but, I tend to not have the energy to do so. I've figured it out though...I can't turn it off when I'm sexually turned on. And when I'm making tickle videos, I tend to not even bother attempting to turn it off. Apparently the Beast is slightly turned on by tickling. I couldn't tell by the excessive tickle wars that end with me pinned in some ridiculously uncomfortable position screaming and begging for him to please please please stop. *sigh* being ticklish is a curse sometimes.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

"were you awake when..."

Something tells me I should stop sleeping in the beautiful beast's bed so I don't have to ask the next day "were you awake when..." and then fill in whatever sentence. What keeps bugging me about this whole...situation? is how haven't we had sex?? Seriously. The gay boyfriend went to sleep last night and then it was like... less than 15 minutes later the beast's hand was in my pants (ok, shorts. but that sounds rather silly when I say it out loud). I know that if it was bothering me too much, I wouldn't have stuck around and slept there. But, it does bother me to an extent. Last night, couldn't have been too long after we had turned out the lights to actually sleep, I'm most of the way asleep when suddenly he grabs my face and makes out with me. Ok so. We've barely ever kissed each other (which annoys me too, but less so) and suddenly full on make out. It ended quickly and suddenly he was back to where he had been. So I figured he was alseep when it happened, but really...I shouldn't have to text him and be like "were you awake when...?"

That's about it that I've got to say for tonight. I'm exhausted so I'm off to sleep. nighty!

Friday, April 2, 2010

I miss modeling.


Dear world.
I'm bored. I haven't modeled for like... 2-3 weeks. I need to shoot. I'm itching for it. I need it. Ugh!! I want my goddamn picture taken! It isn't a vain thing. It's a fun thing. I love the creativity of it. And it's so fun to just run around being silly and have my picture taken. Especially if the photographer is fun. So yea. Photographers? Call me. Let's make pretties.
Thank you, and goodbye.
-Sydney

Sunday, March 28, 2010

a weakness

So despite that I've found myself in the situation of seeing someone on a regular basis, we haven't declared exclusivity which means I've of course been dating my happy little ass around. What's weird though is that the guy I've been seeing is the only one I've seen more than once. But that's beside the point.

I think I've developed weaknesses recently when it comes to guys. It's fairly new. Facial hair. I used to HATE it. Well, not all of it...but, I wasn't a fan of full on facial hair. But recently? I can't get enough. When I broke up with my last serious boyfriend in December, the first guy I messed around with? Facial hair. The last guy I slept with? Facial hair. Guys I've been dating have had it. I don't know what it is!

But anyway, facial hair aside... last night I was over at the gay boyfriend's apartment hanging with him and his roommate and as I was leaving his roommate grabbed my ass. Ok. So. His roommate and I messed around a few months ago and that was that. It ended as quickly as it started. I was leaving and made a comment about how I had a naked chick to photograph today and he called me a pussy cause I wasn't going to be the naked chick, so my first reaction was to take my shirt off. What'd he do? Came over and pulled my bra down. So I pulled down my pants and shook my booty in their kitchen and laughed cause we were all a little inebriated before pulling my clothes back on. He started flicking my nipples! WTF? So I flicked his cause I know that turns him on. Then I left. I didn't think about it until I was in my car but the week we were messing around a few months ago, he didn't show ANY physical attraction to me in the "public" places of their apartment...it was all confined to his bedroom. So I was thrown through a fucking loop there. The beautiful beast seriously has shown about as much interest in me as I've shown in...well... I don't know. But, the point is, it's been VERY VERY little. I didn't think there was ANY so I backed off and went about my business elsewhere. And then last night. What the fuck WAS that? So, I texted him saying he was a tease. He texted me back saying he'd make up for it. Now I'm just more confused than ever cause I just passed out once I got home and got myself off.

I don't know. Life has been pretty tame recently. I've spent a lot of time sick with throat/tonsil infections. I've got to get my tonsils removed after this semester at school is over. Not looking forward to it at allllllll. Not all the ice cream in the world is going to make the pain ok. :(

Anyway, time to go. Lunch date!

Friday, March 12, 2010

I think I've started dating someone. Wait. What?



So it appears I have started dating someone. I say this because we have had 3 dates. Yea. Weird, huh? I don't know how serious it is but I do know that I haven't stopped going out on dates with other folks. He just happens to be the only one I've seen more than once. It started about 2 weeks ago I guess. We went out for German food and then to a bar where there was a blues band playing. We sat in the back of the bar playing Rock Em Sock Em robots and talking. At some point, after the robots were put back on the table, he put his arm around me and we continued talking. It was really cute. I know the owner of the bar where we were, and she's freaking hilarious and random. She has an arts and crafts table set up in the bar, so of course my date and I sat down and painted/drew some. It was really fun. Who the hell does arts and crafts on a first date?! Us. Yea. It was awesome. At some point, we left and went to his house and watched Lars and the Real Girl, which was super cute...and he kissed me in the middle of it. I ended up staying the night because by the time I was exhausted and yawning, it was 3:30 and he lives in the middle of nowhere. No sex, which apparently was surprising to everyone but me. Why is it so difficult to understand that I am very capable of sleeping in a bed with someone without fucking their brains out?? Seriously here folks. Anyway. Don't get me wrong, the sex has come. And it is good. But yea. Now we're dating I guess.

Anyway. What is weird though is that I realized in my drunken stupor with one half of the gay boyfriends (aka The Taints), is that before this new guy...the last person I slept with was the guy I lost my virginity too. So, up until Sunday morning...the last person I had slept with was also the first person I had slept with. Hello Awkward.

I did have the most annoying sex ever recently though. T and I have been fucking for YEARS right? We're each other's dirty little secrets. Anyway, recently the sex has been going downhill. Maybe it's that I'm getting older and more experienced or whatever, but seriously. Ok. One night last week I went out, and afterwards he came over. He got me off ONCE. Then left. WHAT THE FUCK?! You don't get me off once and then leave doucheface. Like, it wasn't even satisfying because it lasted all of MAYBE 8 minutes. Now, don't get me wrong, he's got an amazing dick...but...really?? That was all he had for me?? I almost want to advertise how bad he's becoming in bed. I thought it was natural to progress not digress. Ugh. Oh well. Maybe it's time to stop fucking the guy, huh?

I guess the last bit of news that I should share is that I've been hustling my ass off tonight. www.clips4sale.com/30891 for proof. *yawn* sleepy time? yes?

Thursday, February 25, 2010

the pursuit of a date


In case you haven't caught on yet, I'm the kind of gal who likes to date, a lot. I'm not quite sure how I got to the point of being a serial dater, but that seems to be where I am at in my life at the moment. But, I get the feeling that people expect something else from me. You see, I'm not looking to give my heart away (if I'm even capable of that), but I'm looking for more than a slew of bed partners. Ok, now that I've worded it that way even I'm confused as to what I want. Welcome to the mind of a female (unluckily for me, I live here). I've been told several times by my friends that my expectations for lovers/significant others is probably a bit high and therefore I'm probably going to get let down often. I'm ok with that. As a serial dater though, I have come up with somethings that I expect from people in general, especially those hoping to extend a date into multiple dates or hop in my bed.

1-Be honest. Nothing is more of a turn of than lack of honesty. Seriously, I'm probably one of the most laid back and chill people you will ever meet, but if you aren't honest with me for whatever reason, you're not getting to date #2 or my bed (or me in your bed). Ok, it's a hard thing to decipher on a first date, I know. However, there are certain things you should offer up off the bat such as relationship status (yes, I've slept with people in relationships and married guys, hell...I may even do it again), STDs (ok, so, I probably don't want to sleep with you if my health is put in danger but, I'll admire you for being up front), children (I hate children, but I know people who have them and have dated people with them), you also happen to be a serial dater (hey cool! maybe we can compare notes!), you're a virgin (No, I'm not going to take that from you), etc.

2-Be at least somewhat intelligent, or at least pretend to be. Intelligence is sexy. That is all.

3-Dress for the occasion. Going out for dinner? Wear something schnazy. Hiking? dress for the weather and for walking. The beach? Probably a bad time to wear a tie (ew, weird tan line...). Please note, my personal favorites for males to wear include ties, nice shoes, black pants, jeans that fit properly, etc. For ladies, dresses, heels, pantyhose, shorts (I love a gal in shorts...), tank tops, etc.

4-Make me laugh. I'm a giggler, so this is a lot easier than you think.

5-Don't agree with everything I say if you don't actually agree. Just please, don't talk politics, religion, past relationships (dates and lovers are different from relationships. I probably don't want to hear about your lovers either), children or marriage on the first date.

6-Do not spend the entire time talking to me about sex. Not sexy. Not going to get you into my bed (or me into yours). Obviously, I like sex, but I don't want to talk about it all the fucking time.

7-Actually listen. Don't pretend. I can tell the difference between the two, and I'll return the favor. ;)

8-Please have good personal hygiene.

9-Please have not dated any of my friends. The only time this happens to be ok is said friend hooked the two of us up. Otherwise, not ok.

10-Please do not tell me about your hard on or your wet pussy. I get enough of that on the web to suffice for multiple lifetimes.

Since I think I may have run out of things at the moment, 10 will do for this list. Hooray!

However, also on the dating front, I've decided I am tired of pursuing. I want to be pursued. I want someone to want me. To call me. To text me. Not to the point of being annoying, but to the point of showing that you're interested. Not sure if you're texting me too much? Well...do I respond right away? If yes, this is a good sign. If no, bad sign...you should probably lay off a bit. I know this is a difficult ground to know what is enough and what is too much/not enough. Go with what you feel is right. If you feel like you're texting too much, you probably are. But anyway. Pursuing. I've done the game where I go out of my way for a date. I'm tired of that game. I don't like playing hard to get on either fronts. It's not natural or fun. Ok, well, it's kind of fun if I'm the one playing hard to get, but then people give up. And where's the fun in that?

I'm tired of being the one making the phone calls, sending the first texts, being the aggressor. If I had it my way, it'd be an equal split between who does the calling, texting, making first move, etc. Mainly because I don't really think that males are particularly better than females, nor are females particularly better than males. I'm an equal opportunity lover.

And that's that for this evening folks.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

there is no such thing as love

I am incapable of loving anyone in a romantic way anymore. At one point, I was very capable. However, that point has come and gone and I am left alone, unable, and unwilling.

What is worse, is when you confuse love and lust. I think that has been my problem for quite sometime now. My last boyfriend and I were together for a year officially, plus a few months before hand dating unofficially. How did this happen? Well...I crawled into his bed drunk several times after partying with his sister and me being the persistent and horny one, wouldn't stop til I got what I wanted. Eventually the sex started fading and I had enough emotional issues that it became an issue.

Now, here I am. I'm getting laid on fairly a weekly basis, sometimes more often, sometimes less. I slept with the guy I lost my virginity too years ago. Hell, it was good. I slept with bartender boy. It was bad. I've pursued someone whose sexuality I can't quite figure out (may or may not be gay). And damnit. I'm bored already. What happened to the good old days of regular fuck buddies? Someone you'd see very often for the simple purpose of getting each other off. Hell, I even had fuck buddies for the periods of time between relationships. One moved to Ohio. One still comes over to fuck me once in a while but is about as easy to get a hold of a drug dealer. Anyone else that I've had has either fallen off the face of the earth, gotten into a relationship, or is no longer someone I want to share a bed with. What the fuck happened to reliable fucks? It's really not a difficult matter. Sydney wants to get off, and Sydney wants to get off often.

Don't get me wrong, I love playing with myself. I always get off then, but really... I want the real thing. No vibrator can give me what I want. There's no passion there. No sweat. No begging to stop. No begging not to stop.

I think one of the lesbians may have it right. I need to stop dealing with guys for a while and enjoy ladies. I've had some fantastic experiences with ladies, but the last one who was in my bed well...that was just weird both times. I'm not sure I want any more weird experiences, and I'm much more picky about women than I am about men. Women represent something more to me than men. Women aren't just some means of mutual masturbation like most of the men I've been have been. Women have power, beauty, strength and energy that men lack. I don't like to be put up on a pedestal, but that's what I do with women when it comes down to it. I respect women. Men? Well... glorified sex toys for the most part.

I can't help that feeling.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

annoyed

Ok. So. Ugh. I have decided that my newest pet peeve is not being able to read people. Normally, I read people fairly well. Most are not a mystery to me when it comes to what they are feeling/thinking and I like it that way. However, new guy that I went out with the other night...cute, tall, skinny, adorable smile, nice sized cock, and has a foot fetish. Fantastic right?? Would be way better if I could actually figure him out. Everyone I introduced him to thought he was gay. Fuck, I thought it for a while considering I didn't get a kiss goodbye. But no. Can't read him at all. I shouldn't have to ask if someone is interested in me. They should show it. Right? Apparently not so much. Ugh.

Ok. Done ranting. Maybe?

Yea, I lied. If someone is going to tell me that I'm the only person they want to hang out with, then they need to make a little bit more of an effort to actually hang out. I'm done. I'm not who I was back then when he knew me. I'll keep his watch with no shame or second thought since I won't be the one calling him.

See, what guys don't understand is that they are a dime a dozen to me. Granted, this is not everyone, but for the most part most of the guys in my life aren't worth shit. Bartender boy? who cares. ex-boyfriends (any and all of them)? eh, whatever. Guys on dating sites? lame. Arm candy to various places/events around town? cute, but I'm not going to hit that. I'll admit it...most guys are disposable to me. If my heart doesn't race around you, and I'm too shy to do anything about it...you're probably less disposable than most. But if you think you can fuck with me and my emotions...not going to happen. Do I actively pursue guys anyway though? Of course I do (obviously). Hell, I even seem to be much more bold about it than they are. When did guys start to be so pussified?? I shouldn't have to consistently make the first move, the first invite, etc. Yes, it is ok sometimes but all the time?? Fuck that noise.

Going out on a date tonight with someone from dating website. It's Valentine's Day and well...I refused to be a complete loner for the holiday. We're going to see Dear John, which looks horribly adorable and perfect to snuggle during...so of course we're hitting a theater with big comfy couches instead of a regular theater.

I've had a companion once for Valentine's Day. And you know what we did? Nothing. He was too busy hanging out with his friends and figured that Valentine's Day was just another day. I'm sorry, but you can avoid making a fuss the rest of the year. Give me one day where I'm treated like a goddamn princess and buy me flowers and ridiculous amounts of chocolate and pamper me. That's not much. I could be a gold digging whore who asks for that on a weekly basis, but you know what? I don't. Well...from some of you, I do... but when I'm dating someone, damnit, I want to be a fucking princess for one day out of the year. I want a day full of passionate fucking, a romantic dinner in a dark corner of a nice restaurant, followed by more passionate fucking. Not much to ask for, right? Apparently...it is. :/

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

good vs bad

So far this week, I've had good sex and I've had bad sex. Ask me which I'm more pleased about.

I've been talking to this guy for a little while now and finally decided to actually meet him in person Saturday night since the bar he works at is literally, 2 miles away from my house. I could stumble home from there if I really wanted to. So, Saturday night, Whitney and I head up there after a day in Tampa shooting. First sign that it wasn't going to be a great lay was the fact that I got a high five as a greeting. Ok. Um. Really? Whatever. I get Whitney and I drinks and head back to the table. We talk, dance a little, giggle profusely over silly girly things, and decide to head outside after we've gotten our 2nd round of drinks and I've run into a friend's roommate. Whitney decided that I was going to play hard to get of course, so when we're sitting outside and bartender boy comes out and proceeds to not come over and talk to me, I'm kinda like...whatever. Finally he comes over. Neither Whitney nor I was impressed with him talking to us but again, whatever. After he goes back inside, we stay out talking a while longer before going inside. Once we're inside again, my friend's roommate and her friend come over and the four of us talk and giggle and I ask S why bartender boy is a skank (I texted her roommate when I realized I knew S and ask her about it). S gave me the reasoning that he had hooked up with two girls at once. Yea, ok, that's cool. But that doesn't make you a skank. So, texted bartender boy asking about what happened to the free drinks I was promised, and like clockwork, all of a sudden there were shots in front of Whitney and I. Spent the rest of the night getting more and more drunk, and dancing/making out with the ladies, and for the most part, ignoring bartender boy except when I wanted him to come light my cigarettes for me. Finally, it's that point where I can't drink anymore and am feeling the need for sleep, so I'm fixing to leave and ask bartender boy if he wants to come outside with me. He does. So does S and her friend. I have never been cock-blocked so bad. Seriously, they wouldn't leave him and I alone for a second. ugh. Finally, I've said my goodbyes and I head home.

About 2 hours later, bartender boy is at my house. Now, this first part could have made him much more interesting, if what happened afterwards wasn't so lame. He went through my bookcase to make sure I had good taste in books. Cute right?? I mean, come on, intelligence turns me on and I obviously love books and here's this guy talking books with me. HOT. Yea. Well. Ugh. The sex was boring. I had to get myself off. The whole time he was over, my phone was blowing up with one of my regular fuck buddies texting me wanting to come over, and this guy who I've been crushing on for a couple years now saying dirty things to me. And there I am. In bed. Getting lame sex. WTF?! It got to the point where I was just too damn bored to even fake getting off and so I had to whip out my toy box and do the deed myself. Great. Whatever. He came on my tits and then I told him to leave. He calls 5 minutes later and asks how it was. Really dude?? You couldn't tell? Whatever. I've decided that he's probably one of those guys who thinks that since he's ridiculously adorable that he can get by just off that. yea. um. no.

Fast forward to last night. I go out for beers after class with one of my arm candy dates for this weekend's art show. Now, I'll admit it...when it comes to weak spots, he's one of my biggest weaknesses. I had absolutely no intention of sleeping with him last night...or actually... ever, because I know how I am with him, even after all this time. But a combination of last week's hanging out and drinking beers and talking til way after the bar closed, and a text message saying that I was the only one he wanted to hang out with, and then him telling someone he wouldn't go pick them up because he wanted to spend his evening with me, well...it all added up. Maybe it was the way he made me feel like I was the only person in the bar that mattered, or perhaps how beautiful he made me feel but, eventually, I invited him back to my place. I could roll around in bed making out with him for hours, just the way we did back in middle and high school. Seriously, I could have just done that last night and been content. But, between my lame sex experience over the weekend and the way he kept kissing me and telling me things, I couldn't say no to wanting him. It didn't last nearly as long as I had hoped but even still, I got off really quick and more than once, which is always a good thing in my book.

So there ya have it. Art show this weekend and I've got myself some adorable arm candy lined up. I just need some cute clothes to wear. Hm. I bought myself a dress yesterday but I'm not sure if I really want to keep it. I may end up taking it back if I find something better on tomorrow's shopping trip. We'll see. I should probably find something schmexy to wear for my ballbusting client Wednesday night as well. Hm. Ok, now I'm rambling, so I'm going to declare myself done.

xoxox