forever the hopeless romantic

Years of on and off dating the ex-security guard and I'm still as head over heels for him now as I was when I was... well. however old I was. And you know what? It will never be a serious thing. Ever. Especially now. Now when there was a tiny sliver of hope? There is none. The Florida region of the company he works for is closing. He's talking of the possiblity of relocating to NYC, Texas, Cayman Islands... ugh. The minute I go in for what chance I have, it's already shot to shit. Nothing is certain but for the line of work he does, there aren't any firms in Florida after the one he works for closes. There are possibilities of doing the same work within another financial company but not an entire company that does just whatever it is that he does.

I had the family's dog at the house for a week or so while my folks were at the beach. And now that my dog is back with them...my house feels really empty. I miss my dog. I think I miss her more than I miss my parents. She'd follow me and the roommies around everywhere and it was so cute.

I think maybe the truth is that I'm kinda lonely here. One roommie is either always asleep, at work, or at the club, and the other roommie is so closed off that it makes wanting to get to know her something that I don't even want to bother with. You can see her judgements on her face and up until Friday night, she was sleeping on the damn couch in the living room and next to never left the couch for any reason. I'm sure that part of it is that I haven't worked for 2 weeks and I just had to take my dog back to my parent's house and now I'm just feeling a bit bored and lonely in the silence of this house.

Mom suggested that I schedule an appointment with my therapist to mediate between my Dad and I. I'm not sure I really want to yet. He really hurt my feelings. I know holding a grudge isn't healthy but I just don't think I'm ready to deal with him yet. bleh.

I think I'm having an emo day.

help me!

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I have no more tonsils.

Tonsils are gone. No more tonsil videos for my fantastic little throat/mouth fetish lovers. Pain isn't as bad as everyone said it would be...at least not yet. Everyone that I know whose had the surgery done in their non-childhood years has said that the first three days are the worst, but really...this is just a bad sore throat. Nothing that I can't deal with. Maybe I have a high pain tolerance. Maybe everyone just made it sound worse than it actually was. Maybe my constant drinking and therefore swallowing really has helped.

The ex-Security Guard and I have plans for this weekend. Again. That'll be the third weekend in a row of getting to spend time with him. I won't lie...I'm head over heels for him. Again. It's been several years since the first time but that was so long ago it seems. Friday night when we were hanging out with his friend, he mentioned that him and his girl had done the whole "break up" dance at work where things seemed to be deteriorating. I won't lie... it made me really happy. After I left Saturday morning, he sent a few texts through-out the day and then we talked until we fell asleep that night. Sunday he sent me a "good luck with surgery" text, and then Monday he texted me to check up on me. Smitten. I am absolutely smitten with him. He's coming over to the new place one night this weekend. I haven't felt this giddy about seeing someone in a while. A few friends of mine asked why I hadn't gone for it before...and I guess that after all the shit went down a couple years back that there wasn't going to be another chance... what I would have given years ago for another chance. I think I'm glad I didn't get one then because I think if I did, none of this would be happening. I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm anxious. I'm smitten. I have butterflies at the thought of spending more time with him. Maybe this is my chance?

Things otherwise...I think are going fairly well. Wednesday night, I got into a big fight with my Dad...an occurrence that happens more often than I'd like to admit. He left for vacation on Saturday, and then Sunday I got what I assume to be an apology email from him. Maybe apology isn't the best word. I think I'd rather call it a "trying to make sense of what happened" email. My dad and I have never communicated very well, but I think that my novel length long email response was what I really wanted to say, exactly how I wanted to say it. He really hurt my feelings this time. And maybe it was a miscommunication, but his attempt at creating parallels between me and farm workers, well... it isn't going to work out as planned. I've tried for years trying to win over my dad's approval and it took the Beast telling me something I've told several friends about boyfriends or girlfriends for it to actually sink in that all my attempts have been in vain. Nothing will ever be good enough, so why bother trying?

FetishCon in Tampa is less than a month away and I won't lie...I'm fairly nervous. It'll be my first time going and I have no idea what to expect. I've got a couple shoots lined up and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm really trying to tackle more fetishes than what I've been doing but toeing the line between what I'm willing to do and what others want me to do is such a difficult thing, both for private sessions and for the interweb to see. One of my favorite clients bugged me multiple times for our next session to include things I'm so not even comfortable doing be it on film or not. I think I'm getting to a point where people are starting to expect me to get into doing those things and really? I just don't want to...no matter how much money is involved. I do this because it's 1-fun, 2-extra money in my pocket, 3-an amusing way to meet new people. Somewhere underneath all of this naughty exterior, there are some hidden morals under there. I hate having to be mean, but I'm at that point where I am exhausted by people trying to get me to step out of my boundaries. Rules are meant to be broken, not morals.

Oh, so. I'm a redhead again. I think I've found a new color for me :D

curtains finally closing

Spent the night hanging out with the ex-Security Guard and a friend of his. Dinner. Drinks. Zombieland. More drinks. 3 of us in his bed. His arms around me the entire night. It felt amazing. Minus the whole waking up damn early so they could go to the theme parks. Oh well. That's what my own bed is for.

I absolutely love this house. Even with the walls/ceiling being the way it is in my room, I don't feel like the walls are closing in. I love having a roommate who goes out a lot. It makes me want to go out too and you know what? I fucking love it.

I love karma. It really makes you feel good to do things for other people. I'm having a much better week once I put my life back into perspective Wednesday night/Thursday morning.

That's all I got right now.

the truth is, I miss you

Surgery postponed. Blah. Kind of super annoyed, however when it comes down to it, it seems to be a good thing that it happened. Today was super busy at work due to several factors. Insanity. Some days you just really need to be able to just take a deep breathe...well...I needed that today but couldn't get it. Insanity.

Not having surgery yesterday meant that I spent a great majority of my day in bed asleep or watching Californication. My Mom also took me shopping which was hip. And I also spent a good deal of time thinking.

It's been weeks since I've spent time with the Beast. The truth is...I miss him. I've been so caught up in my own drama of moving and work and school that I haven't been around like I usually am and so I haven't seen him as often. The Gay Boyfriend has been spending the night at my new place rather than me crashing there, which is understandable since I know how much living in one place can drive a person mad at points. But anyway...I miss the Beast. I miss joking with him and our tickle fights...screaming and begging to stop. I miss cuddling up to him in the middle of the night.

I'm sure when it comes down to it, it really isn't just the Beast. I miss affection of any sort. The last real affection in my life came from the Virginity Thief, which annoyed me beyond belief after the fact. It was nice being curled up in his arms though, even if just for a while. I won't lie...I haven't cuddled with anyone in... I don't know how long. The Virginity Thief and the Beast have basically been the only two in months. I guess there were a few nights in there with the ex Security Guard but now that I've met the girl he's dating, and I don't hate her as much as I want to, I know that I can't pursue that. Anyway. Affection. There's been a severe lack of it in my life. I don't much care for public displays of it...I just want someone to cuddle up with at night, to feel the warmth of in my bed. Someone who I actually care about preferably. hmph.

I was beginning to wonder if the spell check on this thing was working. I'm pretty sure I spell a million things wrong despite what I'm pursuing a degree in. However, it wasn't until I spelled "preferably" with the "r" and the "e" switched around like I always do, that I learned that spell check was actually working and perhaps maybe my spelling is actually improving. Orrrrrr maybe that's just wishful thinking. Maybe.

It is inevitable that I will always want that which I cannot have and not want that which is readily available.

I spent most of my morning/afternoon at iHop with the virginity thief having balloon hats made for us, then having fantastic sex and cuddling up long enough for me to catch a bit of sleep. I kicked him out upon him saying "I love you" and then asking how I felt about him. My response? "Well...you're fun in bed. and when we're having balloon hats made. but you're just a friend." Boy should know better.

Tomorrow I am going in for surgery to have my tonsils removed. I won't lie...I'm a bit scared. I've read some horrible stories (the pain is worse than child birth for instance. thanks for that one mom) and some not so horrible stories (the more you swallow the faster you heal. that made me giggle. swallow. ha!).

I'm going to end this now. Mainly because I'm going to crawl onto the roof of the new house and watch fireworks. Happy America Day lovers!