they don't want you like I want you.

Despite the fact that I've been seeing this one guy for a while now, he isn't who I really want. I think it hit me last week when I spent the night. He spent the night last night, I really felt it though. I like him and I really enjoy spending time with him, but there's no way I could be with him long term. It's a temporary thing for me. I really felt it this morning when I woke up and even though his arm was around me, he wasn't the first person on my mind.

The real problem is who was the first person on my mind this morning. Someone whose more emotionally unavailable then me. Super. No worries, it isn't the virginity thief (that's a reassurance for a specific friend who I know reads this *cough cough*). It's someone that's a lot more complicated in more than just the emotional way. I woke up thinking of the Beast. What's weird is I can't turn off things around him. More specifically, I can't turn off being ticklish around him for the life of me. I can't turn off my lust for him whether I'm around him or not. I can't turn off my intrigue for him. Saturday night was the first time him and I hung out on our own. After the movie that we didn't watch, we sat outside talking and I have to say, he probably gave me the most simple and best piece of advice anybody has ever given me. It was the sad response of someone trapped and disappointed in recent bad news, but it was the most beautiful response anyone has ever given me. I want to be miserable with him. I want to sleep all day and stay awake all night chain smoking with him. I want more of the bruises he leaves on my legs after a night of rolling around in his bed. I want to know everything about him. I rarely say that people intrigue me, but he does. I've told him that a few times. He laughed. I think it was cause I was rather intoxicated and it was probably following my saying to him "you sir, are a gentleman and a scholar." I'm not sure what exactly to do from here. Except we have plans to hang out both tomorrow night after I'm out of class and Saturday night. Yea. Plans. To hang out. With each other. Not with the gay boyfriend. Yea.

Oh, but yea. I've tested it out. I can turn off being ticklish. It's kinda spiffy, but, I tend to not have the energy to do so. I've figured it out though...I can't turn it off when I'm sexually turned on. And when I'm making tickle videos, I tend to not even bother attempting to turn it off. Apparently the Beast is slightly turned on by tickling. I couldn't tell by the excessive tickle wars that end with me pinned in some ridiculously uncomfortable position screaming and begging for him to please please please stop. *sigh* being ticklish is a curse sometimes.