she spoke words of wisdom

Another sexless night spent in the Beast's bed. Strangely, I'm rather ok with it. I'm going to be honest about this situation, even if it isn't exactly something I've admitted to myself up until my drive over to his and the gay boyfriend's apartment last night. If the Beast and the Gay Boyfriend weren't in my life...I'd probably be ridiculously depressed...like more so than I already am. It's not that I'm constantly depressed, so don't worry there...it's more this occasional depression that washes over for no reason what so ever. But anyway, without them, I'm pretty sure I'd be completely lost. The two of them have become two of my best and closest friends. The fact that I can lay on their apartment floor drunk off my ass, incapable of spelling "Dinosaur" (true story) or laying there crying/whining/ranting about anything, and being completely comfortable is such a rare thing for me. The only person in my life whose ever been that close to me has been Llama Girl (yea, I couldn't think of anything else to nickname you, so for the time being, you get stuck with the original nickname. I'll think of one later. love you!).

I'm so tired of heterosexual men right now. I don't know why I don't group the Beast into that category though. I think it's cause he's not as confusing or judgmental or whatever as everyone else. I've stopped talking to the travel agent, other than to ask what property management firm his dad works for when I was applying to move in with my soon to be new roommate. I won't lie and say I've got no desire to talk to him, because I've got plenty of desire to talk to him, but I don't have the energy for that confusion. I canceled a date tonight with this guy S. Just not in the mood to be wanted by people who actually know me. No. I suppose that's not quite entirely true. Let me rephrase that. I want to be wanted by two people in particular, and since nobody else are those people, why bother? I don't think I'm actually interested in anyone but the ex-security guard or the Beast. There. I said it. They're the only two guys I've been with in the past few months that actually know me well enough to know not to put me on a pedestal or have expectations of me. I could date the ex-security guard again. My friends love him. I adore him. He's fun. He's gorgeous. He's intelligent. He's about to go to grad school. One night, after we were out together, we sat on his porch talking and drinking and he drunkenly said that he considered us to be dating, which is a hell of a lot more than the Beast has ever given.

Anyway. Here's a conversation that I *think* happened this morning. It may have been a dream or it may have been me being half awake trying to converse with the Beast:

(his hand was on my hip when this conversation happened)

Beast:I can't tell if you're awake or not.

Me:Hmm?

Beast:Well, you seem to be asleep, but you're moving around more then normal. and cuddling with me really close.

Me:ohthatscool.

Beast:What? stop mumbling.

Me:That's coooooool.

Beast:Are you awake?

Me:Maybe. I don'treallyknow.

Beast:I can't tell if you're awake for me to molest you.

Me:I don't know either. Just do it. I'll probably like it anyway.

Beast:what?

Me:I'm asleep, but go ahead. I'll wake up.

This seemed like a completely reasonable conversation for us to have. Not even kidding. I just don't know if it actually happened or not. yea.