I wish you would have put yourself in my suitcase

I love fucking with people ;)

pet peeve #12

You know what's annoying? People who assume that all I do is fuck and that I have no life outside of my bed.

Hi. I'm Sydney. Let me reintroduce myself.

I work 5 days a week with a day job. I webcam nights. I have class 3 nights a week. I have a ridiculously busy social life with FRIENDS. When I'm horny, 95% of the time, a toy can and will take care of my needs. I love reading. I love sleeping alone. I love watching tv shows and movies that nobody will watch with me. I love spending time with people who don't want in my pants. I love to dance. I love to sing in the shower. I write almost every single day of my life. Cooking makes me (and my roommate) happy. I have a shopping problem. I have homework. I have laundry. I have to clean. I have to grocery shop. My friends mean more to me than any person who I've slept with...ever. The only person I've ever truly loved died in Afghanistan. I don't like being disappointed. I don't like rejection. I don't like to count on people (see "I don't like being disappointed" and "I don't like rejection"). I haven't met a single person in the last year and a half of my life who I could consider a genuine friend. I don't like just "lovers", I like friends with benefits (ie, somebody I can sleep with but also hang out with, talk to, carry on real conversations that don't involve any discussion of anything dealing with any type of sex or sexual activity). I don't believe in monogamy. I'm 22 (or 21 again). I don't like getting dolled up for anyone other than myself. I'm selfish. I have a money fetish. I'd be more likely to sleep with you if you didn't assume that all I do is fuck like a rabbit every day of the week. I'm turned on by intelligence and the ability to carry on conversation. I don't like ignorance or people who judge me when they have no right to do so (who died and made you a god?). I will not ever sleep with clients, much less give them HJ's, BJ's or FJ's (never have, never will). I like to relax. I like to lay on the beach. I'm a nudist, and no that isn't sexual at all. I like my personal space. I like to drink. I love painting my toenails.

I'm tired of explaining who I am. If you don't get it yet, you never will and maybe it's best that you stop trying.

My roommate has been going through some sort of spiritualistic rebirth in his life and has been throwing the phrase "everything happens for a reason" around a bit in relation to things that have gone on in both of our lives. If that's true...I really would love to know the reason for the phone call last night.

The travel agent called. The one who came as close to breaking my heart as anyone has in ages. The one I didn't hear from since we went to Disney months ago. The one who I deleted from my phone. Woke up to my phone ringing with a number I didn't recognize. Answered it. There he was. He "needed someone to talk to" and "knew that he could trust me." What girl doesn't love to hear that she's needed? An hour later, there he was in my kitchen, arms wrapped around me in a hug. It was as if not a single day had gone by. I knew that having him here was a bad idea but it isn't until now that he's gone that it really hit me how bad. I just wanted to help someone who I cared about. And instead I wake up barely dressed with him next to me this morning. He's gone now. No promise of calling again or seeing him soon. Already I'm left wanting what I know I shouldn't.

There's a frying pan on my bedroom floor. The travel agent was in my bed. And I'm pretty sure my roommate spent a good amount of time on our roof in my Wonder Woman costume. Last night was just one big clusterfuck of "what the hell?"

what the hell happened to a relaxing weekend?!

reality lost

I don't know what it is recently, but my dreams have been insane. Not even where they used to be when I got used to the oddities and mishaps of my dreams. Now, they're just at a point where... woah. I can't figure out where the ridiculous overdrive of intensely realistic dreams are coming from. Sometimes I drink sleepy time tea, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I have a glass of wine or 3 and sometimes I don't. The consistency of my dreams being so odd is so regular that I can't figure out why. It used to be that whenever I was on any sort of sleep inducing medicine I'd get weird dreams (Nyquil, allergy meds, etc).

Last night's dreams took the cake though. Twice in the middle of the night I woke up with my heart pounding because in my dream I was on the brink of death. Falling upwards. Drowning. I remember in my dream what it felt like to drown. How real it felt. I remember the way my chest seemed to feel as if it were caving in as the water rushed over me, pushing me down. 1 second. 2 seconds. 30 seconds. gone.

I've had realistic dreams before, but nothing. Nothing ever came so close to this. It scared me, but not in the way that scary things scare people, but in the way that having death dreams isn't healthy is it?? I'm at such a fantastic point in my life that I just don't understand. What am I missing or pushing out of my head? Why are my dreams out to kill me?

there's a nickel glued to my front door

You know what the problem with dating is? The guys you don't care whether or not make your panties wet always do, and the ones you do want to make your panties wet don't.

Life has taken a shift from where it was. Things are...Good. Great even. It's quite the nice change of pace considering the way things were before.

I don't really have much to say honestly. Well. Maybe I have a lot to say but really, I'm not so much in a sharing mood at the moment. I've shared the past couple week's worth of events with those close to me who matter most and really? That's all that matters.

Food has been ordered. Blog has been updated. Money in the bank. New comefuckmeheels bought. Surrounded by good people and positive energy. What more does a gal need?

3 word post to summarize my weekend.

I want more.

back to reality

I made it out of FetCon without a single bruise. Not sure if I'm disappointed or not. I guess that's what reality is for though, right? At least I'm sore as hell.

I'll update later.

he told me to call him Daddy

The amusingly non-vicious cycle of naughty seems to have begun again. And you know what? It will continue to provide me with just as much pleasure and entertainment now as it did months ago. Only person I've let call me his little whore. And you know what? It makes me giggle. The feminist in me is disgusted. The pleasure part of my brain must be lit up like crazy though.

Things are... fun. Sad, but fun. I think I like the nights that are just as sad as they are fun. The ones where I know I'm sleeping alone but at least I have fun before I get there. I've been spending a good deal of time in my own thoughts. I've been an awful friend to those around me. I haven't seen the Gay Boyfriend in a week. Before that, it had been at least 2 weeks. Falling off the face of the earth and getting lost in my own little world of...well. I don't even know.

I suppose the word to describe me right now is... Content. And stressed. But we shall stick with content since things seem to be all over the emotional board.

FetishCon in Tampa this weekend. I'm stoked. Booking private sessions and shoots. Hustling to get a gig with London Andrews shaking my booty for a private collector. I'm excited to see her...I haven't seen her for over a year now!! I miss London! She's by far one of the sweetest models that I've ever met or worked with. Anyway.

I'm beginning to ramble. I'm going to be done now for the night.

:(

The ex-security guard has maybe a couple weeks left at his job in town before the company shuts down the office here. He's been applying for jobs. None of which are in Orlando. I'm a mixture of heartbroken and jealous. I'd kill to get out of this city. I'm so envious. I'm so going to miss him. I know I went over a year without talking to him while I was with the younger guy but... I don't know. These past few weeks being with him....I've been so fucking happy, even when I didn't think that I had a chance with him because he was dating someone else (they stopped seeing each other just for the record). I have so much fun with him. I connect with him, even more than I did with the travel agent (who I deleted from my life). I don't connect that well with many people. But we've connected really well for YEARS. Since we both worked at the department store together. years.

Anyway. I guess that means I'm back to dating new folks. I haven't gone on a first date in a while. I'm...nervous. eep. Well, I went on one last night. That's another story though because it'll completely disregard everything I just said about how sad I am about the ex-security guard. So. uh. shhhhhhhh. I drank a bottle of wine before hand last night so if that's any indication of nervousness, well...yea. I don't know if I actually want to be dating again though. I was SO comfortable and happy where I was with the ex-security guard. Things have been going so well with us. And he hasn't applied for any jobs in the state. At all. None. He said if one pops up, he may take it, but he isn't actively looking. Gah. I feel so selfish for wanting nothing good to come of his applying. Blah.

I'm going to go. All that is going to come from me tonight is bitching. bleh.