Girl (if you're wondering if I want you to) I want you to

Ok. So. It's been a couple months since I've seen the virginity thief. After the fiasco of his confession, I decided that I wanted little to do with him for obvious reasons. I cut off communication and went about my business elsewhere. About that time, I started dating that guy who I've since stopped dating. Anyway, after my most difficult exam last night, I decided to text the virginity thief for drinks. So we met up at our bar and had a couple beers, chain smoked and talked. He was different. I inquired about his err...problem and he told me that he hadn't touched the stuff since the last time he had seen me and had been beaten in with a mag light. I chose winners. ha. Anyway. I was hungry so we went to Dennys at some point and afterwards neither of us wanted beers and he made the comment of "we could just go back to your place and I could screw your brains out" and it sounded like a fantastic idea. So we did just that. I'm not going to lie...fucking him is fun. I'm a bit sore from the whole thing. It's kinda nice. And by kinda, I mean really.

One of the things I like about him is that we can talk. No pressure to fake conversations. We can talk about anything and everything. He knows my business, I know his. I have no desire to fall in love with this guy because I know what he's capable of doing to me, and therefore I won't fall for him. Even when we were seeing each other often enough to have the problem of feelings potentially come up, it wasn't an issue for me. They just simply were not there. I love that I can be around him and talk to him and have fantastic sex with him without emotions. Finding guys who I can hang out with without emotions is kind of difficult. Don't get me wrong, sometimes they're ok. And sometimes I want them. But most of the guys that seem to be attracted to me are people I don't want attracted to me. That's just annoying. Ha.

Heading to South FL next week to hang out with some beautiful ladies. I'm looking forward to it. Nothing makes me happier than beautiful ladies. I wish ladies weren't so crazy though.

the end of the Beast

After a drunken evening of confessing our feelings for each other last week, things with the Beast went down hill but in a really strange way. I'm not getting into details there since those who need to know already do. So yesterday I did the equivalent of breaking up with him. I guess you can't really break up with someone who you were never with to begin with, but we mutually decided that to avoid all drama, we need to stop messing around. So there it is. The end of the Beast's involvement in my sex life despite our lack of actual sex. It's weird. I know that doing the right thing is good and all, but it sucks. There's just so much potential for a lot of bad to come of this situation that included losing one of my very few best friends, and quite frankly I'm not in the market for a new best friend at this point in my life. I'm not ready for the heartache that would surely come if I kept things going with the Beast physically since our feelings had been brought to the table. Neither of us want a relationship and at the point where we were at, I wouldn't have been able to stop my emotions from building even stronger had we continued to be bedmates. I won't be seeing him or my gay boyfriend for a few days since they're heading to Atlanta today and I've got stuff going on through next week. It'll be good for me, and I know it was the right thing to do. It's not like he's disappearing from my life entirely since I'm over there all the damn time and there have definitely been times where it feels like I'm an extra roommate for them. But there will be no more nights messing around for hours before falling asleep.

That's about it in major news recently. Haven't seen the Italian Guy for a week or so but he called last night to hang out. I already had plans with a friend from my high school days, so there was no fantastic sex with the Italian last night. Instead there was funny conversation and Steak n Shake with a guy who lived around the corner from me for most of my grade school years. It's been a week since the actual potential real interest in my life left for the other side of the world. You know when you like someone and you forget what they look like? Yea, that doesn't happen because the internet exists, but if it didn't the only part of him that I can seem to bring to mind is his smile. I love smiles. Smiles make me weak. Gah. I'm not going to lie. I actually miss this guy. So weird. I've still got 2 more weeks before I even have the chance of his number showing up on my phone. That's damn annoying.

I guess the benefit of my "breaking up" with the Beast brought me to realize that I'm finally at a point where I'm ready for a relationship. I haven't been since the whole breakup with the Younger Guy. And honestly, I wasn't ready for a relationship for most of the time I was actually with the Younger Guy. However, I'm not ready for a relationship with just anyone and I'm obviously not going out of my way to get one...I'm having way too much fun dating and having fun with people but if I meet someone and it feels right, I'm not going to say no to one just because I'm too busy having fun and dating around.

So that's about it really. Time to go back to studying. Ugh.

In pretending to be a man in love, he became a man in love.

You know what I've done today? Next to nothing. I had a day to myself. I watched a few movies, moved my room around again, painted my toenails, and thought. thought a lot.

Last night as I drunkenly lay on my gay boyfriend's floor as he played his music for me, I decided I'm just a sucker for emotional torture. Would I like the Beast if I could actually have him? Would I have fallen for the new guy if he hadn't left for 3 weeks two days after we met?

I don't know. Maybe it's just another emo day this week. Maybe I should just stop watching romance movies. Maybe I should skip hanging out with the Beast tonight and give myself a chance to reflect. I don't know. Maybe I should see him. Gah. After the night we had the other night... I don't even know. I'm so much more confused than I was before. And yet the new guy hasn't left my mind for long since meeting, and he's literally on the other side of the world for 3 weeks. Ugh.

Feelings=confusing.

a hot italian to go please...

I spent the better part of yesterday wrapped up in the arms of a gorgeous Italian guy. And then all of last night. And then part of this morning. Not going to lie. He could easily be in my top 5 lovers list. Amazing kisser. Fantastic and attentive lover. Adorable. It was pretty much amazing... all 4 times we sexed. *giggle* I practically melted into his arms when he first kissed me. I could have stayed in bed with him all day and been completely and totally happy. And well sexed. Very very well sexed.

but no. I had to go and leave and be responsible cause I have shit to do today. Finished a paper. Got a photography mentoring session in a couple hours. Thinking of squeezing in a power nap before that. It is entirely possible that I won't see this guy ever again. It's entirely possible that he'll text me asking when we're going out again. I have no idea. And I'm pretty much ok with that. Now, don't get me wrong, the sex was fantastic. But was there a connection outside of that? Eh. He's nice. We both love traveling and food and beer. Other than that? Not so much. I'm not a video game girl...although he did get me to somewhat successfully play grand theft auto last night..along with some other game but who the hell knows what that was.

One thing though, that I feel the need to mention because 1-I thought it was slightly hilarious and 2-I don't really have a 2 but whatever. He's obviously a pro at picking up chicks. I say this because he knew how to dress, with just that one top button undone on his shirt so I could see just enough to make me want more. He also had an unopened toothbrush for me...and upon careful inspection of the contents under his sink, he had more than just one unopened toothbrush laying around. If that doesn't scream pro, I don't know what does. Oh also, he knew how to make the perfect margarita. yum! He was too good to have not seduced before. And you know what? I don't care. I thought about it for a while the other day, about my whole raising my number thing. And you know what? I'm not planning on getting married, like...ever. So. My number is going to go up cause I sure as hell ain't fucking the same guys I've fucked in the past again. Why bother trying to be so fucking saintly about it? I mean yea. I'm picky as fuck about who gets in my pants and who doesn't but why bother worrying that my number is getting close to double my age. It's just another number to remember.

Another plus of this guy? Best. Foot. Massage. Ever. even if I did squirm a little because it tickled at some points... ;)

and now for cryptic entry #1

I wonder if I'm the only one that sees the irony in their living situation. *giggle*

Martinis and boys in whitey tighties

Drunkenly stumbled up the steps to the Beast's apartment last night after several martinis at a gay bar with friends and one of my bosses. I arrived with my dress partially unbuttoned due to one of the gals deciding my boobs needed to be out a bit more. Song lyrics written on my arm.

Drunk. Stoned. Fell asleep in the Beast's bed. Woke up an hour or so later to him getting to bed and then playing with me. Was nice way to wake up. I do love the fucked up things he does to me. It wasn't just the alcohol or bud.

I had a lot to drink last night though. Fuck.

New photoset going live on Zivity today. Come check it out and vote for me. Votes show your love! http://www.zivity.com/models/SydneyScreams

they don't want you like I want you.

Despite the fact that I've been seeing this one guy for a while now, he isn't who I really want. I think it hit me last week when I spent the night. He spent the night last night, I really felt it though. I like him and I really enjoy spending time with him, but there's no way I could be with him long term. It's a temporary thing for me. I really felt it this morning when I woke up and even though his arm was around me, he wasn't the first person on my mind.

The real problem is who was the first person on my mind this morning. Someone whose more emotionally unavailable then me. Super. No worries, it isn't the virginity thief (that's a reassurance for a specific friend who I know reads this *cough cough*). It's someone that's a lot more complicated in more than just the emotional way. I woke up thinking of the Beast. What's weird is I can't turn off things around him. More specifically, I can't turn off being ticklish around him for the life of me. I can't turn off my lust for him whether I'm around him or not. I can't turn off my intrigue for him. Saturday night was the first time him and I hung out on our own. After the movie that we didn't watch, we sat outside talking and I have to say, he probably gave me the most simple and best piece of advice anybody has ever given me. It was the sad response of someone trapped and disappointed in recent bad news, but it was the most beautiful response anyone has ever given me. I want to be miserable with him. I want to sleep all day and stay awake all night chain smoking with him. I want more of the bruises he leaves on my legs after a night of rolling around in his bed. I want to know everything about him. I rarely say that people intrigue me, but he does. I've told him that a few times. He laughed. I think it was cause I was rather intoxicated and it was probably following my saying to him "you sir, are a gentleman and a scholar." I'm not sure what exactly to do from here. Except we have plans to hang out both tomorrow night after I'm out of class and Saturday night. Yea. Plans. To hang out. With each other. Not with the gay boyfriend. Yea.

Oh, but yea. I've tested it out. I can turn off being ticklish. It's kinda spiffy, but, I tend to not have the energy to do so. I've figured it out though...I can't turn it off when I'm sexually turned on. And when I'm making tickle videos, I tend to not even bother attempting to turn it off. Apparently the Beast is slightly turned on by tickling. I couldn't tell by the excessive tickle wars that end with me pinned in some ridiculously uncomfortable position screaming and begging for him to please please please stop. *sigh* being ticklish is a curse sometimes.

"were you awake when..."

Something tells me I should stop sleeping in the beautiful beast's bed so I don't have to ask the next day "were you awake when..." and then fill in whatever sentence. What keeps bugging me about this whole...situation? is how haven't we had sex?? Seriously. The gay boyfriend went to sleep last night and then it was like... less than 15 minutes later the beast's hand was in my pants (ok, shorts. but that sounds rather silly when I say it out loud). I know that if it was bothering me too much, I wouldn't have stuck around and slept there. But, it does bother me to an extent. Last night, couldn't have been too long after we had turned out the lights to actually sleep, I'm most of the way asleep when suddenly he grabs my face and makes out with me. Ok so. We've barely ever kissed each other (which annoys me too, but less so) and suddenly full on make out. It ended quickly and suddenly he was back to where he had been. So I figured he was alseep when it happened, but really...I shouldn't have to text him and be like "were you awake when...?"

That's about it that I've got to say for tonight. I'm exhausted so I'm off to sleep. nighty!

I miss modeling.

Dear world.

I'm bored. I haven't modeled for like... 2-3 weeks. I need to shoot. I'm itching for it. I need it. Ugh!! I want my goddamn picture taken! It isn't a vain thing. It's a fun thing. I love the creativity of it. And it's so fun to just run around being silly and have my picture taken. Especially if the photographer is fun. So yea. Photographers? Call me. Let's make pretties.

Thank you, and goodbye.

-Sydney