I am ready, I am ready for the floor

So, the rule of threes has now been passed with the Beast. I'd been slightly worried about it due to my track record, but it has come and gone without any extra emotional crap being put on the table. It's quite possible that we've actually digressed back to that point before bringing emotional crap into whatever good we have going. I think I may have at least come up for a reason as to why the rule of threes hasn't become a problem yet. I think it's because I separate the Beast as a lover from the Beast as one of my best friends. But that's the beauty in all this! He's a lover in the comfort of his bed...or the floor....or the couch. And then, other times, we can talk and carry on real conversations about anything and everything. Quite literally he is a friend with benefits. I've had that loosely with others, but never quite fitting the definition of "friend". It's a nice change that I really really like, and it makes compartmentalizing my life so much easier.

After a little conversation that happened yesterday with someone, I realized how much guys emphasize wanting a girl to look good all the time. See, I'm going to a w

edding this weekend, so I'm going through the prepping process of getting my nails done, pedicure, waxing, etc. I've had fake nails on maybe 3 other times before this. I hate them. I always end up ripping them off or cutting them down. Pedicures, yea, I love them, but I'd rather just paint my own toenails unless I'm having a particular shitty week and need to make myself feel pretty. Waxing, I used to do all the time but then reintroduced myself to tweezers so I haven't in a while. I rarely ever wear makeup...it's reserved for photoshoots and the occasional night out. I don't wear makeup most nights that I go out though. I did some thinking after this conversation and it really hit me just how much I hate when it's expected that I'm dolled up. See, I don't like when people expect things of me in their terms. I like when

people know me and expect me to be a certain or do something because they know that's how I am. I'm not someone who dolls up more than maybe once a month. It is exhausting to me mentally and physically. I doll up because I want to doll up, not because someone wants me to. And so I'm constantly annoyed by this expectation of "looking hot today?" because no. I'm not. Right now, I'm in what I'd normally wear for being me and doing my own thing...work out shorts and a tshirt. I live in jeans and tshirts. I have to dress nicely 32 hours a week for work. What the fuck makes you think that I want to dress nicely outside of work? That's not me. If someone doesn't want me for me, then fuck it. I don't have time or energy for other people's unrealistic expectations of me anyway.

What I think bothers me is that I've been consistently put up on this pedestal and for what? Something I'm not. Something I never have been. Something I never will be. Some ideal of how someone else thinks I ought to be. That ain't me babe. If you want me to be someone that I'm not, then you're in for a big wake up call because it isn't going to happen. I won't play the role of someone I'm not for anyone. It is exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally. It adds to whatever depressiveness I have. He claims he want to be my friends and wants me to tell him things but how can I when he doesn't understand who I am.

This is me. This isn't an act. It never has been, it never will be. Don't like me? Fuck off.