there is no such thing as love

I am incapable of loving anyone in a romantic way anymore. At one point, I was very capable. However, that point has come and gone and I am left alone, unable, and unwilling.

What is worse, is when you confuse love and lust. I think that has been my problem for quite sometime now. My last boyfriend and I were together for a year officially, plus a few months before hand dating unofficially. How did this happen? Well...I crawled into his bed drunk several times after partying with his sister and me being the persistent and horny one, wouldn't stop til I got what I wanted. Eventually the sex started fading and I had enough emotional issues that it became an issue.

Now, here I am. I'm getting laid on fairly a weekly basis, sometimes more often, sometimes less. I slept with the guy I lost my virginity too years ago. Hell, it was good. I slept with bartender boy. It was bad. I've pursued someone whose sexuality I can't quite figure out (may or may not be gay). And damnit. I'm bored already. What happened to the good old days of regular fuck buddies? Someone you'd see very often for the simple purpose of getting each other off. Hell, I even had fuck buddies for the periods of time between relationships. One moved to Ohio. One still comes over to fuck me once in a while but is about as easy to get a hold of a drug dealer. Anyone else that I've had has either fallen off the face of the earth, gotten into a relationship, or is no longer someone I want to share a bed with. What the fuck happened to reliable fucks? It's really not a difficult matter. Sydney wants to get off, and Sydney wants to get off often.

Don't get me wrong, I love playing with myself. I always get off then, but really... I want the real thing. No vibrator can give me what I want. There's no passion there. No sweat. No begging to stop. No begging not to stop.

I think one of the lesbians may have it right. I need to stop dealing with guys for a while and enjoy ladies. I've had some fantastic experiences with ladies, but the last one who was in my bed well...that was just weird both times. I'm not sure I want any more weird experiences, and I'm much more picky about women than I am about men. Women represent something more to me than men. Women aren't just some means of mutual masturbation like most of the men I've been have been. Women have power, beauty, strength and energy that men lack. I don't like to be put up on a pedestal, but that's what I do with women when it comes down to it. I respect women. Men? Well... glorified sex toys for the most part.

I can't help that feeling.