Transformation of a Lifestyle-Confessional

When I first began doing all this, I will admit I was in it partially for the money. I was what many will refer to as an "instadomme" "rent a domme" "findom" or whatever term you would like to use to describe girls who get into all of this. It is a brutal realization for myself and for those who have been around long enough to have seen me transform in the two years I've been around. It has been a fun two years...or is it three years now? Oh dear...I seem to have lost track. Whatever. Beside the point. The point is...

I've gone through various levels of participation in the lifestyle and in the modeling/camming aspect of it all, and I have come to realize that this, whatever you would like to call of this, THIS is something that I love to do.

I posted an ad on site for sessions the other day and have been getting replies, and the more replies I get, the giddier and giddier I get about doing them. I love doing my cam work, but there is nothing quite as exhilarating for me as dominating someone. It is fun for me. It turns me on. It turns me on in ways that other things don't. It is a completely different kind of turning me on. I don't even quite know how to describe it.

There are parts of me that would love to do this just for the pure pleasure of it all. And perhaps at some point I will. Right now, I cannot. I'm not in a place in my life where that is a feasible option for me. I'm leaving the country in less than 3 months and I have bills to pay, things I need to buy in preparation for my trip, money to save for my trip in case of emergency while I'm over seas, and whatever else. I don't have a vanilla job that I can afford to live off of 100%. I would love to do this and do it just because I can and because it does something for me that I didn't understand in my not really vanilla sex life before.

Filming videos is completely different than real sessions. While it is easy and fun doing videos, doing solo videos is different than filming with a submissive or having a session. But even still filming with a submissive is different than a session. A session doesn't require pauses for "wait you can't do that for your store" or "the clip is too long" or "wait there's blood" or something like that. A session you don't have to worry about breaking in between clips for chitchat or planning the next clip or moving the video camera/tripod. A session, you can throw yourself into. You can put your heart into it. For that hour or two, nothing outside of that room matters. And that is the most wonderful thing.