it's all about the little things

Back in February I went on what I'm going to refer to as a semi-date with this guy whom I met of a dating website. I'm sticking with semi-date because we went to a gallery show that I had artwork featured in and was also modeling in one of the nights of the event, and through out the entire night, we could barely walk 15 feet without running into people I know. You could say I'm a little popular around town I suppose. Anyway, Semi-Date guy and I have been talking pretty much ever since. I suppose that sometimes I fall off the face of the earth for a few days and what not but I do that with basically everyone in my life. It's a natural cycle for me.

Tonight Semi-Date guy called me and told me he was calling just because he enjoys talking with me. Not going to lie, I went from being kind of "bleh" with the night to having a huge grin on my face. For some reason which I have yet to figure out, Semi-Date guy has stuck around since our semi-date back in February, and even though I'm absolutely insane (and he seems to get the bad side of my insanity), he keeps talking to me...almost every day.

Now. You're probably wondering why the fuck I'm bothering to share, but there is a purpose here...even if only for my own sanity of writing it.

I don't particularly believe in fairy tale endings. Something has to happen after that fairy tale kiss rather than just "happily ever after." Talking on the phone with Semi-Date guy made me realize part of why I've always been so hesitant with relationships and so against the idea of ever getting married. My realization is this: People spend so much time wanting to make each other happy that they don't learn or know how to handle arguments, and so instead, they let the anger build up and forget the idea of forgiving. I want someone I can argue with. I want someone who I can have fun with. I want someone who can make me laugh or cry. Life isn't perfect, for anybody, and so why on earth I've been expecting my love life to be some sort of perfection is beyond reasoning.

There's a line in an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie says "I just want someone to stand still with" and you know what? That's all I want. I don't want perfection or ideals. I want conversation, and whether it leads to happy endings or arguments doesn't even matter. I want someone who calls me just to talk to me even after arguing and annoying the hell out of me. I want someone to stand still with. It's the little things in life like that...they make a whole world of difference.

And with that... I'm going to bed.

disconnected

It had been a month Saturday night when I decided to give in and say "screw it" to the whole celibacy thing. Giving up sex for a month was an attempt to reconnect with myself and banish thoughts of people from my mind. It didn't work out too well. Instead, I took up drinking more often, and usually in the privacy of my own room. Saturday I just decided that nothing really seemed to be helping my own insanity so I surely wasn't going to deny myself that which brings me such pleasure.

Anyway. Things are good once you step outside my mental state. Moving into the new place soon. I need to paint the walls and put together my new furniture but otherwise, I'm ready. Oh, and I suppose I should pack boxes and disassemble my bed and desk so they're moveable.

I'd just like to share, since it's playing on my last.fm right now, that I really dislike Britney Spears' If You Seek Amy.

I'm sitting around tonight in lingerie and drinking a glass of wine. I kind of don't want to be here, but I feel like after the break down I had last week that ended up with me actually calling the Beast as my first line of defense, I don't really want to put him through that again. Don't get me wrong, he was amazing about it but I know how he judges...at least I know how he judges my Gay Boyfriend and quite frankly, as much as I adore the Beast, I'm not sure I'm ready for the harshness of his judgements, especially since he rarely keeps them to himself. Anyway, after 22 years in this same city, you'd think that I'd have more than a few people who I could turn to in times of need. But really? Llama Girl lives in another state. The Gay Boyfriend and the Beast are within 15 minutes of my house, and Whitney has enough going on in her own life and doesn't need my crap piled on top of it. That's who I've got. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of people who I can go out and have fun with but people who know me and see me when I'm not on my A game are few and far between. It kind of sucks, but at least I know who my friends are.

Anyway, this is starting to get all sad and stuff so I'm checking out now.

Saturday night I had a filming night with Miss Whitney Morgan, Bliss and Slave Andy. We were really productive I'm happy to say. Each of us was able to make 5 clips for each of our stores. It was good fun. Exhausting, but fun. I always forget how ballbusting is a great for a cardio work out. Sunday, I woke up with my legs sore as hell. It was nice. I love that feeling.

Anyway, that was probably the only upside to my weekend. I canceled two dates. I stayed home watching soccer/futball and did a whole lot of nothing. I should have started packing boxes, but I didn't. Whoops.

Oh, I'm moving in about 2 weeks. My soon to be house is fantastic. I cannot wait to shoot in it. Wood floors, vaulted ceilings that come down to about 4 feet off the floor, and just all around fantasticness. My roommate is awesome as well. He and I have decided to dominate the second floor, and the 3rd roommate will be downstairs. It'll be a blast. I think we're going to have a housewarming party at some point, but not until after my tonsil surgery.

that's my update. done.

she spoke words of wisdom

Another sexless night spent in the Beast's bed. Strangely, I'm rather ok with it. I'm going to be honest about this situation, even if it isn't exactly something I've admitted to myself up until my drive over to his and the gay boyfriend's apartment last night. If the Beast and the Gay Boyfriend weren't in my life...I'd probably be ridiculously depressed...like more so than I already am. It's not that I'm constantly depressed, so don't worry there...it's more this occasional depression that washes over for no reason what so ever. But anyway, without them, I'm pretty sure I'd be completely lost. The two of them have become two of my best and closest friends. The fact that I can lay on their apartment floor drunk off my ass, incapable of spelling "Dinosaur" (true story) or laying there crying/whining/ranting about anything, and being completely comfortable is such a rare thing for me. The only person in my life whose ever been that close to me has been Llama Girl (yea, I couldn't think of anything else to nickname you, so for the time being, you get stuck with the original nickname. I'll think of one later. love you!).

I'm so tired of heterosexual men right now. I don't know why I don't group the Beast into that category though. I think it's cause he's not as confusing or judgmental or whatever as everyone else. I've stopped talking to the travel agent, other than to ask what property management firm his dad works for when I was applying to move in with my soon to be new roommate. I won't lie and say I've got no desire to talk to him, because I've got plenty of desire to talk to him, but I don't have the energy for that confusion. I canceled a date tonight with this guy S. Just not in the mood to be wanted by people who actually know me. No. I suppose that's not quite entirely true. Let me rephrase that. I want to be wanted by two people in particular, and since nobody else are those people, why bother? I don't think I'm actually interested in anyone but the ex-security guard or the Beast. There. I said it. They're the only two guys I've been with in the past few months that actually know me well enough to know not to put me on a pedestal or have expectations of me. I could date the ex-security guard again. My friends love him. I adore him. He's fun. He's gorgeous. He's intelligent. He's about to go to grad school. One night, after we were out together, we sat on his porch talking and drinking and he drunkenly said that he considered us to be dating, which is a hell of a lot more than the Beast has ever given.

Anyway. Here's a conversation that I *think* happened this morning. It may have been a dream or it may have been me being half awake trying to converse with the Beast:

(his hand was on my hip when this conversation happened)

Beast:I can't tell if you're awake or not.

Me:Hmm?

Beast:Well, you seem to be asleep, but you're moving around more then normal. and cuddling with me really close.

Me:ohthatscool.

Beast:What? stop mumbling.

Me:That's coooooool.

Beast:Are you awake?

Me:Maybe. I don'treallyknow.

Beast:I can't tell if you're awake for me to molest you.

Me:I don't know either. Just do it. I'll probably like it anyway.

Beast:what?

Me:I'm asleep, but go ahead. I'll wake up.

This seemed like a completely reasonable conversation for us to have. Not even kidding. I just don't know if it actually happened or not. yea.

so.

Bad things happen when I'm drunk because when I'm drunk, it seems like a good idea at the time. yea. that's the story of my life for the past 2 weeks. I think that maybe...I drink to much. *looks to her left...* That could explain the large glass of red wine sitting next to me that I've been sipping on this evening.

Wine and chocolate. And maybe a vibrator. That's all I need this week. I've decided that my attempts at dating are such a ridiculous failure that it is time I step back and get back in touch with me. I haven't gotten myself off in over a month. Yea. No masturbation...at all. WTF?! And it's not just because I'm wearing these ridiculous acrylic nails...well. That could explain the past 2 weeks. But the time before that? Really. What the hell was my excuse?!

The past few times I've crashed in the Beast's bed, there's been nothing. No sex. No messing around. Not even cuddling! What the hell?! Ok, so he's been in a pissy mood and it's fairly annoying and blah blah blah blah. But um...sex=stress relief. whatever. probably healthier for me mentally right now anyway.

It looks like I'll be moving at the end of this month/beginning of June. No worries, it's not that far. Just about 15 minutes away, which will put me closer to my day job, school, downtown (yay dancing!) and other funtimes. Oh, and my future roommate? He's fucking fabulous. We went dancing Friday night and let me tell you...him and my gay boyfriend are going to have to fight over whose fag hag I'm going to be after the move in.

I'm going to take my tipsy ass to bed now. Yea.