and now for cryptic entry #1

I wonder if I'm the only one that sees the irony in their living situation. *giggle*

Martinis and boys in whitey tighties

Drunkenly stumbled up the steps to the Beast's apartment last night after several martinis at a gay bar with friends and one of my bosses. I arrived with my dress partially unbuttoned due to one of the gals deciding my boobs needed to be out a bit more. Song lyrics written on my arm.

Drunk. Stoned. Fell asleep in the Beast's bed. Woke up an hour or so later to him getting to bed and then playing with me. Was nice way to wake up. I do love the fucked up things he does to me. It wasn't just the alcohol or bud.

I had a lot to drink last night though. Fuck.

New photoset going live on Zivity today. Come check it out and vote for me. Votes show your love! http://www.zivity.com/models/SydneyScreams

they don't want you like I want you.

Despite the fact that I've been seeing this one guy for a while now, he isn't who I really want. I think it hit me last week when I spent the night. He spent the night last night, I really felt it though. I like him and I really enjoy spending time with him, but there's no way I could be with him long term. It's a temporary thing for me. I really felt it this morning when I woke up and even though his arm was around me, he wasn't the first person on my mind.

The real problem is who was the first person on my mind this morning. Someone whose more emotionally unavailable then me. Super. No worries, it isn't the virginity thief (that's a reassurance for a specific friend who I know reads this *cough cough*). It's someone that's a lot more complicated in more than just the emotional way. I woke up thinking of the Beast. What's weird is I can't turn off things around him. More specifically, I can't turn off being ticklish around him for the life of me. I can't turn off my lust for him whether I'm around him or not. I can't turn off my intrigue for him. Saturday night was the first time him and I hung out on our own. After the movie that we didn't watch, we sat outside talking and I have to say, he probably gave me the most simple and best piece of advice anybody has ever given me. It was the sad response of someone trapped and disappointed in recent bad news, but it was the most beautiful response anyone has ever given me. I want to be miserable with him. I want to sleep all day and stay awake all night chain smoking with him. I want more of the bruises he leaves on my legs after a night of rolling around in his bed. I want to know everything about him. I rarely say that people intrigue me, but he does. I've told him that a few times. He laughed. I think it was cause I was rather intoxicated and it was probably following my saying to him "you sir, are a gentleman and a scholar." I'm not sure what exactly to do from here. Except we have plans to hang out both tomorrow night after I'm out of class and Saturday night. Yea. Plans. To hang out. With each other. Not with the gay boyfriend. Yea.

Oh, but yea. I've tested it out. I can turn off being ticklish. It's kinda spiffy, but, I tend to not have the energy to do so. I've figured it out though...I can't turn it off when I'm sexually turned on. And when I'm making tickle videos, I tend to not even bother attempting to turn it off. Apparently the Beast is slightly turned on by tickling. I couldn't tell by the excessive tickle wars that end with me pinned in some ridiculously uncomfortable position screaming and begging for him to please please please stop. *sigh* being ticklish is a curse sometimes.

"were you awake when..."

Something tells me I should stop sleeping in the beautiful beast's bed so I don't have to ask the next day "were you awake when..." and then fill in whatever sentence. What keeps bugging me about this whole...situation? is how haven't we had sex?? Seriously. The gay boyfriend went to sleep last night and then it was like... less than 15 minutes later the beast's hand was in my pants (ok, shorts. but that sounds rather silly when I say it out loud). I know that if it was bothering me too much, I wouldn't have stuck around and slept there. But, it does bother me to an extent. Last night, couldn't have been too long after we had turned out the lights to actually sleep, I'm most of the way asleep when suddenly he grabs my face and makes out with me. Ok so. We've barely ever kissed each other (which annoys me too, but less so) and suddenly full on make out. It ended quickly and suddenly he was back to where he had been. So I figured he was alseep when it happened, but really...I shouldn't have to text him and be like "were you awake when...?"

That's about it that I've got to say for tonight. I'm exhausted so I'm off to sleep. nighty!

I miss modeling.

Dear world.

I'm bored. I haven't modeled for like... 2-3 weeks. I need to shoot. I'm itching for it. I need it. Ugh!! I want my goddamn picture taken! It isn't a vain thing. It's a fun thing. I love the creativity of it. And it's so fun to just run around being silly and have my picture taken. Especially if the photographer is fun. So yea. Photographers? Call me. Let's make pretties.

Thank you, and goodbye.

-Sydney

a weakness

So despite that I've found myself in the situation of seeing someone on a regular basis, we haven't declared exclusivity which means I've of course been dating my happy little ass around. What's weird though is that the guy I've been seeing is the only one I've seen more than once. But that's beside the point.

I think I've developed weaknesses recently when it comes to guys. It's fairly new. Facial hair. I used to HATE it. Well, not all of it...but, I wasn't a fan of full on facial hair. But recently? I can't get enough. When I broke up with my last serious boyfriend in December, the first guy I messed around with? Facial hair. The last guy I slept with? Facial hair. Guys I've been dating have had it. I don't know what it is!

But anyway, facial hair aside... last night I was over at the gay boyfriend's apartment hanging with him and his roommate and as I was leaving his roommate grabbed my ass. Ok. So. His roommate and I messed around a few months ago and that was that. It ended as quickly as it started. I was leaving and made a comment about how I had a naked chick to photograph today and he called me a pussy cause I wasn't going to be the naked chick, so my first reaction was to take my shirt off. What'd he do? Came over and pulled my bra down. So I pulled down my pants and shook my booty in their kitchen and laughed cause we were all a little inebriated before pulling my clothes back on. He started flicking my nipples! WTF? So I flicked his cause I know that turns him on. Then I left. I didn't think about it until I was in my car but the week we were messing around a few months ago, he didn't show ANY physical attraction to me in the "public" places of their apartment...it was all confined to his bedroom. So I was thrown through a fucking loop there. The beautiful beast seriously has shown about as much interest in me as I've shown in...well... I don't know. But, the point is, it's been VERY VERY little. I didn't think there was ANY so I backed off and went about my business elsewhere. And then last night. What the fuck WAS that? So, I texted him saying he was a tease. He texted me back saying he'd make up for it. Now I'm just more confused than ever cause I just passed out once I got home and got myself off.

I don't know. Life has been pretty tame recently. I've spent a lot of time sick with throat/tonsil infections. I've got to get my tonsils removed after this semester at school is over. Not looking forward to it at allllllll. Not all the ice cream in the world is going to make the pain ok. :(

Anyway, time to go. Lunch date!

I think I've started dating someone. Wait. What?

So it appears I have started dating someone. I say this because we have had 3 dates. Yea. Weird, huh? I don't know how serious it is but I do know that I haven't stopped going out on dates with other folks. He just happens to be the only one I've seen more than once. It started about 2 weeks ago I guess. We went out for German food and then to a bar where there was a blues band playing. We sat in the back of the bar playing Rock Em Sock Em robots and talking. At some point, after the robots were put back on the table, he put his arm around me and we continued talking. It was really cute. I know the owner of the bar where we were, and she's freaking hilarious and random. She has an arts and crafts table set up in the bar, so of course my date and I sat down and painted/drew some. It was really fun. Who the hell does arts and crafts on a first date?! Us. Yea. It was awesome. At some point, we left and went to his house and watched Lars and the Real Girl, which was super cute...and he kissed me in the middle of it. I ended up staying the night because by the time I was exhausted and yawning, it was 3:30 and he lives in the middle of nowhere. No sex, which apparently was surprising to everyone but me. Why is it so difficult to understand that I am very capable of sleeping in a bed with someone without fucking their brains out?? Seriously here folks. Anyway. Don't get me wrong, the sex has come. And it is good. But yea. Now we're dating I guess.

Anyway. What is weird though is that I realized in my drunken stupor with one half of the gay boyfriends (aka The Taints), is that before this new guy...the last person I slept with was the guy I lost my virginity too. So, up until Sunday morning...the last person I had slept with was also the first person I had slept with. Hello Awkward.

I did have the most annoying sex ever recently though. T and I have been fucking for YEARS right? We're each other's dirty little secrets. Anyway, recently the sex has been going downhill. Maybe it's that I'm getting older and more experienced or whatever, but seriously. Ok. One night last week I went out, and afterwards he came over. He got me off ONCE. Then left. WHAT THE FUCK?! You don't get me off once and then leave doucheface. Like, it wasn't even satisfying because it lasted all of MAYBE 8 minutes. Now, don't get me wrong, he's got an amazing dick...but...really?? That was all he had for me?? I almost want to advertise how bad he's becoming in bed. I thought it was natural to progress not digress. Ugh. Oh well. Maybe it's time to stop fucking the guy, huh?

I guess the last bit of news that I should share is that I've been hustling my ass off tonight. www.clips4sale.com/30891 for proof. *yawn* sleepy time? yes?